**eye roll**

*eye roll* That really seems to sum up my day.. and week! I am teetering between really annoyed and okay with my life.. which is a weird place to be. One minute I'm just fine and the next I'm on the verge of tears.. but it comes down to this... I'm sick of hearing the same things over and over and nothing being different or changing or even feeling different. You know how you can feel it when something is different? It's not happening. There are no feelings left. I am drained and done. I am tired and lonley. I need a purpose. I need a direction. I need some clarity.. well.. more purpose, direction and clarity. I've gotten a lot of things done latley but a lot of things are just hanging in limbo and it's really irritating. I no longer feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants, but I still feel like there is more out there for me. I've got some amazing ideas and things I want to do, but I am at a loss when it comes to making it happen.

I made a list today of all the things (silly or necessary) that I need to/ would like to buy in the next few years. It includes everything from a windsheild (which I've needed for over 4 years) to a European Disney Cruise for me and Hailey (how much fun would THAT be?)I want my kid to experience life. I want her to be cultured... I want to take her to San Francisco. I want to take her camping and make traditions and do things with her that I did with my parents growing up. I want to camp at the beach like we used to and the frustrating part is that the ONLY thing holding us back is money. It all comes back to that.. Not to mention I don't know where I'll be in a few months.

Money is SO frustrating, but there has to be a line.. do you budget the heck out of yourself and leave yourself with no room for fun to save up for a big thing.. or do you take longer to get that big thing so you can do little things here and there to make life more enjoyable in the moment? I guess it comes down to what you really want... if you have a goal then you will be more likley not to do all the other frivolous things you would normally do.. but then I think.. is it worth it? Will I go crazy before the big thing happens?

It's a fine line between goals, obsessions and "all work and no play"

My first goal? To get Hailey and I to Peru. All of my extra money is going to that.. All of my time and efforts is going to that. It's what's on my mind.

First step? Passport.. well.. before that? Amended Birth Certificate, which is a pain in the ass. No joke. Never have to change your name or parents on your birth certificate. You drown in paperwork. It's been like 5 years though, so I figure we should just get it over with ;)

Oh. I gave myself another personal project. It's a writing project.. and that's all I'm saying. No you can't read it.. Well.. maybe once it's done.

*grin*

~Outtie <3

**Peru.. the after**

So it's been a few weeks since Peru and I miss it like crazy. Since it's too much to really explain I'm going to answer to what I wrote in my "before" blog...
(Italics are what I said before)

What I don't know-
I'm not really sure how much Spanish I actually remember, if any...
I am SO proud of my Spanish skills. I wowed most of the Peruvians with my Spanish.. I remembered TONS and I was able to help Daniel translate (a little bit) and translate for others.. like my dad!
...not really sure how I'm going to deal with not being connected...
I actually didn't mind not having the internet or a cell phone. I mean, I missed it don't get me wrong (we kept stealing Daniels and being like... AUGH! just let me hold it!), but it was fun to not have to look for it all the time or wonder where it was (which I did for a few days.. I use it as a watch so that sucked. I never knew what time it was!) and when I got home I kept forgetting my phone everywhere because I wasn't used to having it anymore!
being away from my daughter is going to be hard..
It was. there is nothing that can prepare you or help you be away from your kid. I missed her but I got to talk about her a lot and all of the Peruvians can't wait to meet her!
It's also gonna be hard to be away from Andrew...
This was hard too. So many things would happen and the first thought I'd have is I can't wait to tell Andrew! Then I'd realize I might not get to talk to him until later or the next day. We talked on the phone almost every night, but still.. I wanted him there to share in the amazing experience that was Peru.


On top of all of that I just have to say how AMAZING the people in Peru are. It's a beautiful place.. and I don't just mean the landscape.. they are loving and helpful and beautiful people who will gladly give you the shirt off their back, share their only food and sing and dance with you until you can't move. We played volleyball everyday we were in P-chac, played with the kids, did VBS, colored, sang, danced, laughed (a LOT) cried (a little) and just loved every minute we were there. The food is amazing and there aren't any words to explain the rest of the trip. I had an amazing group of people and even more amazing friends I met there. I love my Virgi (swine flu) BFF, Daniel (Danielle the girl... in AMERICA we say..) Nany (the ___ Lover!) and the rest of the Quispe gang. I also had amazing TC's who were there to keep us all sane and watch the bathroom door for us when we had to brave the scary bathroom in P-Chac.

All I can say is.. if you EVER have the chance to go to Peru.. take it. It's beautiful.

oh.. and check out my pictures. There's tons of them but it took me forever to get the stupid things on Facebook.. haha

http://www.facebook.com/MegsHan

<3 Outtie

Peru- The Before

So I've been preparing for the last few months/ weeks for Peru.. and it's finally here... we leave tonight at 9 for the airport... and fly out at 215am...

What I know- Our church has been going to Peru for the last 10 years on Mission trips to a city called Pachacamac (which will hereto be referred to as p-chac... haha.) We're going to be doing Vacation Bible School for the kids, as well as building some stuff.. not really sure what yet.. (I think fixing stuff in the kitchen?) We're also meeting some other missionaries that are hosting a group from Texas.

What I don't know- I'm not really sure how much Spanish I actually remember, if any but I'm hoping that my 6 years of Spanish in school will come in handy. I'm also not really sure how I'm going to deal with not being connected. I mean I know that I can do it because it's just a cell phone and internet, but it is going to be hard not knowing what's going on with everyone. I know that being away from my daughter is going to be hard.. I know she's with her dad right now so even if I WAS home she wouldn't be here.. but it's going to be hard being THAT far away from her. I mean if something happens I'm nearly 8 hours away rather than 2 (1 1/2 if I drive fast!) It's also gonna be hard to be away from Andrew. For the last (almost) 10 months we've been inseparable. This will be the longest we've gone without talking or seeing each other. Not to mention our 10 "monthiversary" will be while I'm gone.. (haha)

All in all I'm excited. It's a new experience and the things I'm "worried" about will all be worth the love I've been hearing about from the people of p-chac and the families we stay with in Lima. I've never been out of the country before (well.. I've been to Ensenda and Canada... but I hardly count THAT!) and this will be my first mission trip. I'm nervous about communicating and being surrounded by an unfamiliar language. I'm also really excited about that because I'm really looking forward to seeing how much Spanish I actually know and really disconnecting... :)

I'll have to debrief when I get back and let you know what happens. For now I'm signing off for my hiatus. I've got lots to do before 9pm.

~outtie <3