*eye roll* That really seems to sum up my day.. and week! I am teetering between really annoyed and okay with my life.. which is a weird place to be. One minute I'm just fine and the next I'm on the verge of tears.. but it comes down to this... I'm sick of hearing the same things over and over and nothing being different or changing or even feeling different. You know how you can feel it when something is different? It's not happening. There are no feelings left. I am drained and done. I am tired and lonley. I need a purpose. I need a direction. I need some clarity.. well.. more purpose, direction and clarity. I've gotten a lot of things done latley but a lot of things are just hanging in limbo and it's really irritating. I no longer feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants, but I still feel like there is more out there for me. I've got some amazing ideas and things I want to do, but I am at a loss when it comes to making it happen.
I made a list today of all the things (silly or necessary) that I need to/ would like to buy in the next few years. It includes everything from a windsheild (which I've needed for over 4 years) to a European Disney Cruise for me and Hailey (how much fun would THAT be?)I want my kid to experience life. I want her to be cultured... I want to take her to San Francisco. I want to take her camping and make traditions and do things with her that I did with my parents growing up. I want to camp at the beach like we used to and the frustrating part is that the ONLY thing holding us back is money. It all comes back to that.. Not to mention I don't know where I'll be in a few months.
Money is SO frustrating, but there has to be a line.. do you budget the heck out of yourself and leave yourself with no room for fun to save up for a big thing.. or do you take longer to get that big thing so you can do little things here and there to make life more enjoyable in the moment? I guess it comes down to what you really want... if you have a goal then you will be more likley not to do all the other frivolous things you would normally do.. but then I think.. is it worth it? Will I go crazy before the big thing happens?
It's a fine line between goals, obsessions and "all work and no play"
My first goal? To get Hailey and I to Peru. All of my extra money is going to that.. All of my time and efforts is going to that. It's what's on my mind.
First step? Passport.. well.. before that? Amended Birth Certificate, which is a pain in the ass. No joke. Never have to change your name or parents on your birth certificate. You drown in paperwork. It's been like 5 years though, so I figure we should just get it over with ;)
Oh. I gave myself another personal project. It's a writing project.. and that's all I'm saying. No you can't read it.. Well.. maybe once it's done.
*grin*
~Outtie <3
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
**My hair...**
So in perusing old pictures and such I came to a hilarious realization.. I’ve had a LOT of different hair colors.... So I decided to feature them all in one spot.. here I go!
yeah.. there are a few more that I was trying to get from webshots, but you have to download this desktop app thing and I'm too lazy for that :) BUT there are pictures of the very first time I dyed my hair red... sweet.
The biggest reason for this? I'm gonna dye my hair again tonight :)
<3
yeah.. there are a few more that I was trying to get from webshots, but you have to download this desktop app thing and I'm too lazy for that :) BUT there are pictures of the very first time I dyed my hair red... sweet.
The biggest reason for this? I'm gonna dye my hair again tonight :)
<3
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
**2010 wrap up survey**
I posted this on December 22 on Live Journal.. but decided to post it here too... cause I'm cool like that...
So as this year comes to a close I'm happy to say I've been able to see a radical change in myself. It's been a hard road and I've had to face a few realities I never thought I'd have to deal with, but they've made me stronger and more passionate about those things that I love and cherish beyond anything else in my life. I've found my true friends, my true self and my family has been there for me through it all. I've learned more about parenting with Hailey's dad and working towards a life for her that's cohesive and harmonious. I'm taking life one day at a time and realizing that it's not as bad as I always thought. I'm starting to take the good for the good and learn from the bad. I'm ready to face my tomorrows and fight for what I believe in and what I want. I'm no longer going to sit by and let life happen, but get what I want out of it. I'm ready for the next year. 2010 was a hard year. There are so many things that happened... and happened HARD... but through it all I'm okay. I'm ready. That's the Beauty of Life.
1. What did you do in 2010 that you've never done before? Lived on my own. For reals on my own.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Yes.. but only because I resolved not to make one.. and I think I am going to make one this year.. but to myself so I don't feel too horrible if I fail.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes! Katie :) Little Ms. Reese is the most beautiful baby!
4. Did anyone close to you die? No.. but my grandma died last year on Christmas so it still feels like it just happened.. and Hailey's Aunt Bryttne passed away, and though I didn't really know her... it hit me really hard.
5. What countries did you visit? Just the good ol USA! 2011 holds Peru for me.
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? Money? No. Well. yes, but I think that will work itself out.. I would like to have peace. Which I'm already working on. I'd like to be okay with myself and who I am.. as well as continuing my independence and fighting for what I want/ need in my life.
7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? I can't pick a specific date, but there are a few events... May 16th/17th well pretty much the month of May.. "haunt you for eternity" doesn't even begin to explain it.... not saying anymore... Just cause :) October... the cabin trip <3 and Hailey's birthday party... proof that just because parents aren't together doesn't mean you can't raise your kid with their best interests at heart and work together on things. I'd also say that the weekend of December 17-19th was a great weekend.. nothing too significant happened, but I was really happy for the first time in awhile.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Independence
9. What was your biggest failure? My love life.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Just a few colds/ stomach pains.. nothing too major.
11. What was the best thing you bought? My kitty Jasper :)
14. Where did most of your money go? Moving.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Cinderella!
16. What song will always remind you of 2010? It's a tie. "I Want You" Third Eye Blind and "This Aint Goodbye" Train oh.. and "Me & Mrs. Jones" Michael Buble and "I’ll Be Waiting" Lenny Kravitz. Frick. There's a ton more, but that's what I got.
Compared to this time last year, are you:
17. Thinner or fatter? about the same. I vary a lot.
18. Richer or poorer? Richer. I have a job!
19. What do you wish you'd done more of? Spoken my mind.
20. What do you wish you'd done less of? Cry.
21. How will you be spending Christmas? With my family and my Dane.
22. Did you fall in love in 2010? No. But I realized love.
24. What was your favorite TV program? Glee.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Yep. Well. Not HATE.. but have no room for them in my life anymore...
26. What was the best book you read? A Million Little Pieces. And Fan Fiction!
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? James Morrison, Mumford and Sons and THAT playlist.
28. What did you want and get? Clarity. A job.
29. What did you want and not get? A Tattoo
30. What was your favorite film of this year? Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 1
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? We went to dinner at Olive Garden, Dane made Hailey and I dresses and I had some wine and good conversation :) I turned 26.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If I'd stopped to think before doing things.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010? I actually started caring more about what I wear and how I wear it. I'm no fashionista, but I'm trying more...
34. What kept you sane? My daughter, Brent, Katie and My Poodle.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Oh you fancy huh? sorry. had to. John Mayer. Always have. Always will :)
36. What political issue stirred you the most? Gay rights.
37. Who did you miss? Orange County.
38. Who was the best new person you met? Christopher :) <3
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010: I am a strong woman and I can do it.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "There's so much craziness, surrounding me, so much going on, it gets hard to breath, when all my faith is gone, you bring it back to me. You make it real for me..."
So as this year comes to a close I'm happy to say I've been able to see a radical change in myself. It's been a hard road and I've had to face a few realities I never thought I'd have to deal with, but they've made me stronger and more passionate about those things that I love and cherish beyond anything else in my life. I've found my true friends, my true self and my family has been there for me through it all. I've learned more about parenting with Hailey's dad and working towards a life for her that's cohesive and harmonious. I'm taking life one day at a time and realizing that it's not as bad as I always thought. I'm starting to take the good for the good and learn from the bad. I'm ready to face my tomorrows and fight for what I believe in and what I want. I'm no longer going to sit by and let life happen, but get what I want out of it. I'm ready for the next year. 2010 was a hard year. There are so many things that happened... and happened HARD... but through it all I'm okay. I'm ready. That's the Beauty of Life.
1. What did you do in 2010 that you've never done before? Lived on my own. For reals on my own.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Yes.. but only because I resolved not to make one.. and I think I am going to make one this year.. but to myself so I don't feel too horrible if I fail.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes! Katie :) Little Ms. Reese is the most beautiful baby!
4. Did anyone close to you die? No.. but my grandma died last year on Christmas so it still feels like it just happened.. and Hailey's Aunt Bryttne passed away, and though I didn't really know her... it hit me really hard.
5. What countries did you visit? Just the good ol USA! 2011 holds Peru for me.
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? Money? No. Well. yes, but I think that will work itself out.. I would like to have peace. Which I'm already working on. I'd like to be okay with myself and who I am.. as well as continuing my independence and fighting for what I want/ need in my life.
7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? I can't pick a specific date, but there are a few events... May 16th/17th well pretty much the month of May.. "haunt you for eternity" doesn't even begin to explain it.... not saying anymore... Just cause :) October... the cabin trip <3 and Hailey's birthday party... proof that just because parents aren't together doesn't mean you can't raise your kid with their best interests at heart and work together on things. I'd also say that the weekend of December 17-19th was a great weekend.. nothing too significant happened, but I was really happy for the first time in awhile.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Independence
9. What was your biggest failure? My love life.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Just a few colds/ stomach pains.. nothing too major.
11. What was the best thing you bought? My kitty Jasper :)
14. Where did most of your money go? Moving.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Cinderella!
16. What song will always remind you of 2010? It's a tie. "I Want You" Third Eye Blind and "This Aint Goodbye" Train oh.. and "Me & Mrs. Jones" Michael Buble and "I’ll Be Waiting" Lenny Kravitz. Frick. There's a ton more, but that's what I got.
Compared to this time last year, are you:
17. Thinner or fatter? about the same. I vary a lot.
18. Richer or poorer? Richer. I have a job!
19. What do you wish you'd done more of? Spoken my mind.
20. What do you wish you'd done less of? Cry.
21. How will you be spending Christmas? With my family and my Dane.
22. Did you fall in love in 2010? No. But I realized love.
24. What was your favorite TV program? Glee.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Yep. Well. Not HATE.. but have no room for them in my life anymore...
26. What was the best book you read? A Million Little Pieces. And Fan Fiction!
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? James Morrison, Mumford and Sons and THAT playlist.
28. What did you want and get? Clarity. A job.
29. What did you want and not get? A Tattoo
30. What was your favorite film of this year? Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 1
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? We went to dinner at Olive Garden, Dane made Hailey and I dresses and I had some wine and good conversation :) I turned 26.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If I'd stopped to think before doing things.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010? I actually started caring more about what I wear and how I wear it. I'm no fashionista, but I'm trying more...
34. What kept you sane? My daughter, Brent, Katie and My Poodle.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Oh you fancy huh? sorry. had to. John Mayer. Always have. Always will :)
36. What political issue stirred you the most? Gay rights.
37. Who did you miss? Orange County.
38. Who was the best new person you met? Christopher :) <3
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010: I am a strong woman and I can do it.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "There's so much craziness, surrounding me, so much going on, it gets hard to breath, when all my faith is gone, you bring it back to me. You make it real for me..."
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
**complicated**
Why do certain people have to make life more complicated? I think I make my own life more complicated by always choosing the path that looks the scariest, but I mean, do all the people around me have to make my already complicated life even MORE complicated? I'm not talking about one specific person, nor a specific event... but I am just saying in general my life seems to be complex enough.. and then you add a layer of complicated people and you get what my daily struggle is.
Complicated.
There IS one specific person I'm thinking of who happens to be the head of CPAM (Complicated People Against Meghan) right now.. but I am not really blaming them for everything. They do make my life harder by always being on my mind, never talking to me enough (for my own liking) and living really far away from me. They also have their own complicated life to deal with and as the little realist in my brain always points out, things will most likely never change because of this fact... but the optimist usually punches the realist in the face, tells her to STFU and happily daydreams away....
Complicated.
I also have no real "plan" for the future. I mean... sure I know where I'll be tomorrow (with any luck) and okay, so I mostly know where I'll be in two months from now.. but 6 months? A year? 5 years? I'm out. I've been struggling with this concept for awhile, and I'm just starting to realize that I've got to do something about it before I wake up and I'm 69 and I'm like... crap... I wish I'd....
Complicated.
It's a hard realization to come to, but at least I admit that my life is complicated. I get there are intricacies to my life that not very many people understand. The interworking of my brain make sense to very few people and the way that stacks up against the rest of my life is even more complex. Hell.. even my family tree is hard to explain.. I've got a huge family.. on both sides... and we're all pretty close.
Complicated.
Here's to hoping that tomorrow I can unravel a little bit more of my complicated life... or at least get some sleep!
Complicated.
There IS one specific person I'm thinking of who happens to be the head of CPAM (Complicated People Against Meghan) right now.. but I am not really blaming them for everything. They do make my life harder by always being on my mind, never talking to me enough (for my own liking) and living really far away from me. They also have their own complicated life to deal with and as the little realist in my brain always points out, things will most likely never change because of this fact... but the optimist usually punches the realist in the face, tells her to STFU and happily daydreams away....
Complicated.
I also have no real "plan" for the future. I mean... sure I know where I'll be tomorrow (with any luck) and okay, so I mostly know where I'll be in two months from now.. but 6 months? A year? 5 years? I'm out. I've been struggling with this concept for awhile, and I'm just starting to realize that I've got to do something about it before I wake up and I'm 69 and I'm like... crap... I wish I'd....
Complicated.
It's a hard realization to come to, but at least I admit that my life is complicated. I get there are intricacies to my life that not very many people understand. The interworking of my brain make sense to very few people and the way that stacks up against the rest of my life is even more complex. Hell.. even my family tree is hard to explain.. I've got a huge family.. on both sides... and we're all pretty close.
Complicated.
Here's to hoping that tomorrow I can unravel a little bit more of my complicated life... or at least get some sleep!
