asking for help

I'm going to ask for help. I'm going to the Calworks office and laying myself out there and hoping that I don't get screwed out of anything else. I feel better today.. but still not anywhere near my "normal" self. I think doing something like this will give me a little more hope, but as sad as it is I'm not expecting anything. Anything at all.

I really hope I have enough gas to get there. haha.

<3 outtie

Have You Ever...

Have you ever needed to get something off your chest to make you feel better? Have you ever done something you know is going to hurt you in the end, but you can't help it? Have you ever woken up and not wanted to be you anymore? Have you ever sat and tried to not be anything?

I have.

I've also done what I can to be positive, tried to put my faith in the "systems" here to help people who are down on their luck.. and had no luck with either. I've been told no so many times the last few months that I don't know how to get back up and keep going. I have a goal. I have motivation. I have the tools and the personality and the work ethic and the support of my friends and family. But I don't have a job. I don't have money. I almost don't have hope.

I'm getting tired of the fight.. and I know "it takes time" and "it's not your time it's God's time" but it doesn't make this part of my life any easier. I'm at the bottom of the darkest time I could ever have dreamed of being in. I'm in the worst situation I could imagine being in. I've got nothing and almost no way out.

Here's the reality.
I'm in debt of more than 10,000 dollars to various collection agencies that have nothing to do with credit cards and everything to do with school loans.
I can't claim bankruptcy because those school loans wont go anywhere.
I can't get a new school loan to go to school because they wont give me more money until the previous loan is in good standing.
I have no credit cards at all. Or income. Or money.
I am about to loose my license because I can't pay off a ticket I got more than a year ago and they wont let me renew it until it's paid.
I have no job.
I have no job options.
I can't go to school to get a better job to get me out of this hole because they wont give me money and I can't pay out of pocket.
I have nobody interested in giving me a job.
I have no health insurance, neither does my daughter and I'm scared that somethings going to happen and I'll have no way to help either of us.
Unemployment denied me.
My last job is making it difficult for me to get a new job.
My family is broke.
My boyfriend is broke.

So... this sucks.

I'm not posting this to hear how much you all feel bad for me. I'm posting this because I really needed to see it laid out before me. I know it's not hopeless. I know something good has to happen to me eventually. I have good things in my life. My health. My family. My friends. A bed to sleep in. Food for my daughter and I. Our needs are being met and we're alive.. but I can't help but let this overwhelm me right now.. I hope you can all understand that.


<3 Outtie.

**Peru.. the after**

So it's been a few weeks since Peru and I miss it like crazy. Since it's too much to really explain I'm going to answer to what I wrote in my "before" blog...
(Italics are what I said before)

What I don't know-
I'm not really sure how much Spanish I actually remember, if any...
I am SO proud of my Spanish skills. I wowed most of the Peruvians with my Spanish.. I remembered TONS and I was able to help Daniel translate (a little bit) and translate for others.. like my dad!
...not really sure how I'm going to deal with not being connected...
I actually didn't mind not having the internet or a cell phone. I mean, I missed it don't get me wrong (we kept stealing Daniels and being like... AUGH! just let me hold it!), but it was fun to not have to look for it all the time or wonder where it was (which I did for a few days.. I use it as a watch so that sucked. I never knew what time it was!) and when I got home I kept forgetting my phone everywhere because I wasn't used to having it anymore!
being away from my daughter is going to be hard..
It was. there is nothing that can prepare you or help you be away from your kid. I missed her but I got to talk about her a lot and all of the Peruvians can't wait to meet her!
It's also gonna be hard to be away from Andrew...
This was hard too. So many things would happen and the first thought I'd have is I can't wait to tell Andrew! Then I'd realize I might not get to talk to him until later or the next day. We talked on the phone almost every night, but still.. I wanted him there to share in the amazing experience that was Peru.


On top of all of that I just have to say how AMAZING the people in Peru are. It's a beautiful place.. and I don't just mean the landscape.. they are loving and helpful and beautiful people who will gladly give you the shirt off their back, share their only food and sing and dance with you until you can't move. We played volleyball everyday we were in P-chac, played with the kids, did VBS, colored, sang, danced, laughed (a LOT) cried (a little) and just loved every minute we were there. The food is amazing and there aren't any words to explain the rest of the trip. I had an amazing group of people and even more amazing friends I met there. I love my Virgi (swine flu) BFF, Daniel (Danielle the girl... in AMERICA we say..) Nany (the ___ Lover!) and the rest of the Quispe gang. I also had amazing TC's who were there to keep us all sane and watch the bathroom door for us when we had to brave the scary bathroom in P-Chac.

All I can say is.. if you EVER have the chance to go to Peru.. take it. It's beautiful.

oh.. and check out my pictures. There's tons of them but it took me forever to get the stupid things on Facebook.. haha

http://www.facebook.com/MegsHan

<3 Outtie