**eye roll**

*eye roll* That really seems to sum up my day.. and week! I am teetering between really annoyed and okay with my life.. which is a weird place to be. One minute I'm just fine and the next I'm on the verge of tears.. but it comes down to this... I'm sick of hearing the same things over and over and nothing being different or changing or even feeling different. You know how you can feel it when something is different? It's not happening. There are no feelings left. I am drained and done. I am tired and lonley. I need a purpose. I need a direction. I need some clarity.. well.. more purpose, direction and clarity. I've gotten a lot of things done latley but a lot of things are just hanging in limbo and it's really irritating. I no longer feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants, but I still feel like there is more out there for me. I've got some amazing ideas and things I want to do, but I am at a loss when it comes to making it happen.

I made a list today of all the things (silly or necessary) that I need to/ would like to buy in the next few years. It includes everything from a windsheild (which I've needed for over 4 years) to a European Disney Cruise for me and Hailey (how much fun would THAT be?)I want my kid to experience life. I want her to be cultured... I want to take her to San Francisco. I want to take her camping and make traditions and do things with her that I did with my parents growing up. I want to camp at the beach like we used to and the frustrating part is that the ONLY thing holding us back is money. It all comes back to that.. Not to mention I don't know where I'll be in a few months.

Money is SO frustrating, but there has to be a line.. do you budget the heck out of yourself and leave yourself with no room for fun to save up for a big thing.. or do you take longer to get that big thing so you can do little things here and there to make life more enjoyable in the moment? I guess it comes down to what you really want... if you have a goal then you will be more likley not to do all the other frivolous things you would normally do.. but then I think.. is it worth it? Will I go crazy before the big thing happens?

It's a fine line between goals, obsessions and "all work and no play"

My first goal? To get Hailey and I to Peru. All of my extra money is going to that.. All of my time and efforts is going to that. It's what's on my mind.

First step? Passport.. well.. before that? Amended Birth Certificate, which is a pain in the ass. No joke. Never have to change your name or parents on your birth certificate. You drown in paperwork. It's been like 5 years though, so I figure we should just get it over with ;)

Oh. I gave myself another personal project. It's a writing project.. and that's all I'm saying. No you can't read it.. Well.. maybe once it's done.

*grin*

~Outtie <3