Single motherhood

So I've been thinking and there are some good an bad things to being a single parent. Especially in my situation where the other parent is a part of their kids lives. Don't get me wrong my family is amazing and supports me like no one else could but the reality is that it comes down to me. I'm it.. And there are the ups and downs.. In fact I think I may list them...

Top 5 reason being a single parent sucks

5) always having to play the bad guy.
4) having one income.
3) feeling awful and guilty when you have to work overtime to make ends meet and miss out on things your kid does.. Or just time with your kid.
2) never having a moment alone because you are always on duty. Always.
1) missing your kid like crazy when they're with the other parent.

Top 5 reasons being a single parent is great
5) you get to be the center of their world
4) you learn to fully appreciate a hot shower... Alone... With time to shave BOTH legs
3) your toned arms from carrying all the groceries, your purse, and the diaper bag with the kid on your other hip... No one can juggle like a single mom... NOBODY!
2) you'll get the respect you deserve in the end for doing it alone
1) the love in your babies eyes when they run to you for everything... And just how close you become.

Take some time to pray for a single mom/dad you know. It's a tough gig.. But I wouldn't change any decisions I made.

To my little rose. I know I've made a lot of mistakes, and I continue to make them. I just pray that you see that I'm doing the best I can for you and I hope you see how hard I'm trying. Remember that mommy loves you and is growing up right along with you. I love you.

-outtie <3

TGI.... S??

I'm so glad it's Saturday but it's bittersweet for me.. we're going to a grad party, we had breakfast this morning.. it was fun and yummy and it's going to be a good day... but tomorrow morning little Rose goes to her daddy's house for the week.. I know he misses her just as much as me so of course I want him to see her, but it's so hard for me because I miss her like crazy.. it's just not the same around here without her! Then she comes back for the weekend, then she goes back until the end of July... Which is going to LE SUCK!

But it's okay, she needs to spend time with her daddy and it's good for her.. It'll allow me to get her toy room "weeded out" without her crying about everything I'm getting rid of *grin* haha.

anyway. I bought a new camera today!! I saved for it and I bought it and it's pink and I LOVE it! Expect pictures :)

I'm hoping to get some more SD cards so I can fill a million of them on my trip this summer.. more on that panic attack later.

I'm off to see if I can get little rose to nap before the party tonight.

<3

(besides.. I love naps *grin*)

Grumblegrumblegrumble

Today was hard. Went to work with a splitting headache and no cough medicine cause driving with codine isn't always the best idea.. I didn't get a full nights sleep because little rose had a bad dream about monsters... Climbed into my bed went back to sleep got woken up by my mom going to the bathroom and went into her room. When my mom didn't see her in my bed or her bed she went into panic mode which woke me up and put me in panic mode.. She was sitting on the edge of my moms bed with her legs pulled up to her chest just terrified of whatever monsters she saw in her head poor thing. So I couldn fall back to sleep forever and when I finally did.. My alarm went off! Needless to say my goal of gettin up at my first alarm was a failed goal.. But I'm hopeful for tomorrow! My eating less goal went well today.. I resisted a cupcake and only ate my lean cuisine for lunch! It was yummy... Asian potstickers and rice! Dinner I didn't do as good.. I had two hotdogs.. One without a bun (we ran out.. Pure lazy!) and cottage cheese and fruit cocktail... What I really need is to start eating breakfast! I think I might get a costco size box of oatmeal and make it at work! My activity level sucks today. The most I did was move from the dinning room table to my bed. I'm exhausted and the cough syrup is taking it's toll on me. I'm such a lightweight with cold medicines! Anyway. Work was okay but I went to do my last book buddy mentoring today! I was so cute. The kids gave us little certificates and told us how much they appreciated what we did for them and how they are better readers because of us! We made little picture frames and gave then pictures of us! We then played a reading game with them. They're so so cute and so appreciative! I'm pretty sure there are tons of errors and that this makes almost no sense but even as I'm typing this on my itouch I feel my eyes closing!!

<3

Sick Monday...

Ugh. I woke up this morning with a sore throat and a stuffy sinus'. I hate being sick. HATE! I can't express how much I hate it.. it really sucks because I feel like I can't do anything. I'm going to try to get the rest of my "spring" cleaning done and get my computer working, but I'm not hopeful it will be anytime soon.

Lets see how it goes. I'll add to this later... :)

So it's almost 9 and I'm in bed blogging on my iTouch :) today was pretty okay.. I've decided to try to do something active every day and just work on myself this summer. No weight loss goal just try to be active and see what happens! I rollerbladed around my old high school with little rose after a very satisfying late nap :) I didn't gorge myself at lunch or dinner and I didn't come home and eat a bunch of junk so i'd call day one a success! Here's to a satisfyingly active summer!!!

Now I'm gonna get some much needed sleep! Cough syrup with codine and a tired body from coughing means an early bedtime... Plus I'm gonna try and get up when my FIRST alarm goes off tomorrow! Hahaha... Yeah right!!

"A person's a person, no matter how small" (words of wisdom from Horton Hears A Who".... Dr. Seuss)

Night. Sweet dreams.

<3

Lazy Sunday

I left at 9am only to come back at 830pm.

List of activities.
~Church
~sang in the praise band
~ enjoyed some good conversation
~Council meeting
~bored, but we needed members to be there
~Free lunch! woot!
~Pre School raid
~Found some good books, blankets, games and most important my new cpu tower!
~Went to Stator Bros
~Went to Pastor Skip and Elena's house to watch Godspell
~ Came out SOOOO good. Good to see what we looked like and laughed with the cast.
~Went "house for rent" searching with Lisa
~Found some cute houses in Uptown Whitter and enjoyed the company.
~ Ate at Boston Market for dinner (thanks Lisa!!)
~Came home and set up the dinosaur to see how it would run... it's slow but with some TLC I think it'll be a good little CPU :)

And to think I was JUST whining about how I needed a cpu of my own!

I'm excited :)

<3

I can't help it baby this is who I am.

So I've been slacking on Blogging a LOT lately and as always I feel like I should blog more to express myself and blah blah blah but I don't seem to have time.. not to mention a computer or an Internet connection during my downtime. I've been trying to con the wifi password out of our IT for a few days now, but he thinks I'm kidding when I pester him for the password to the Internet in the shop. I WILL find a way to hack Internet soon so I can blog on my lunch when I have nothing better to do.

Recap of May.
Dad's b-day
GODSPELL rehearsals.
Work
Fought and made up with Andrew.

Start of June.
GODSPELL performances. (went great. can't wait to see the DVD tomorrow!)
8 "monthiversary" (didn't do anything.. we had a performance!)
Work got "madeover"
Hailey "graduated" preschool

So yeah. B/C of Godspell my social life consisted of lines and singing with good friends. I got to know a lot of them very well and grew EVEN closer with old friends. It was a humbling and uplifting show. I am glad my boy and I got to share it together. The cast and crew were amazing. <3 you!

So yeah.. now that we're caught up lets see. Today I slept in till 9 (after going to bed at 10pm)wiped my iTouch, reinstalled iTunes, made a CD dl'ded some music. Did some laundry and am now re-syncing my iTouch. I've been frustrated the last few weeks since my iTouch hasn't been syncing with my iTunes and it's been freezing it.. this ever happen to you? I'm afraid once it syncs it's going to start freezing it again. Plus now I have to re-install all of my apps. Maybe next paycheck I'll actually buy some :)

OH! I heard from one of our customers that Verizon is trying to buy some rights to the iPhone.. if that's the case.. I'm SO in!

Anywho. Gotta go check the laundry and try to figure out the password for our wifi.. too bad my brothers asleep.. I'm pretty sure he knows it. It's probably Meghansucks... I'll try that one first.. haha.

<3

VDC

VDC was amazing. We had an awesome music team of super talented musicians who worked so well togther. An amazing team of mostly drama free good time and awesome "pilgrims" who recieved and overflowed. I got to know some people a whole lot better and got to hang with some of my favorite people in the world. I was telling andrew on the way back down the mountain that I wish I could build a community where we all could live and work in the same area all the time! I hate that Bakersfield is so far away! Which brings up another thing I've been thinking about. I'm forever cursed to miss someone! It's either my friends and "family" in Bakersfield and surrounding areas or it's my friends and family here! If I moved to bako again Id be heartbroken to leave some of the amazing people in my life like lisa or George and jazz. I just can't imagine life without them but then I think about it and I miss my bakesfield friends like Brent and katie and Micah and haley soooo much! It was nice to see them the other day but of course it was way too short of a time with them! I have to say it's quite the catch 22.. Part of it is that my mom and dad and grandparents are here but haileys other family and her dad are there.. It's hard because I want her to have them in her life too. Ugh. It's so hard. Anyway. I finally made the decision and little rose will be starting kindergarten next year! Augh!!! I can't believe my little girl is going to start school! It honestly feels like just yesterday she learned how to walk and talk and smile and laugh and now she's lost her baby face and she's ready to start big girl school.. Augh!!! They really do grow up way too fast. Okay. I'm done before I cry!

~outtie (like a belly button)

iPod Shuffle

So I know this was for the D-community, but I'm kind of a part of it.. in a supporting actress kind of way.. besides. I love these things...

stolen from George who took it from Cara and was also done by Karen
(from Geo's blog)
Cara posted a challenge to the Diabetes Online Community earlier this week... I wanted to join in. So below is the first 20 songs my iPod decided to shuffle in. I have also added my commentary since I can never seem to shut my mouth. (which is true for me too *grin*)

1. Respect- Train (Great CD. Reminds me of sitting on my best friends roof at 2 in the morning contemplating life.. in all my 16 year old glory and wisdom...)

2. One Step At A Time- Jordin Sparks
(one of those impulse downloads that I'm not really sure if I like, but it's nice every once in awhile.)

3. Unforgettable- Nat King Cole (one amazing song.. makes me want to dance in a gazebo with my prince charming.. was also sung by Jack and Karen in the Series finale of Will & Grace and makes me cry every time because it's not the characters, it's the actors singing to each other... *NERD*!!)

4. The Angel and the One- Weezer (from their newest album, it's very "early" Weezer sounding. Good stuff)

5. S.O.S.- Jonas Brothers- (I have a four year old who LOVES the Jonas Brothers and can work my iPod... I swear!!!)

6. Cupid's Chokehold- Gym Class Heroes (love the hook, but also have the supertramp version, which is the one I grew up with.. my dad...)

7. Brass Bed- Josh Gracin- (I've got a soft spot for pop country, but LOVE this song.. it's so sweet!)

8. By My Side- 3 Doors Down - (Used to be OBSESSED with this album.. oddly enough I now love the by my side from Godspell *grin*)

9. Stayin Alive- Bee Gee's - (Because it's an incredibly fun car-e-oke song. and I love the Bee Gee's...)

10. London Calling- The Clash (Because everyone needs a little UK punk rock in their lives.)

11. Remember When It Rained- Josh Grobin- (He has such a pure voice. It's really calming... oh. and my mom wants me to marry him... riiiiight mom)

12. I Have Friends in Holy Spaces- Panic At The Disco (Minus the ! but still good. I'll admit it. I love this album and their first one....)

13. Bubbly- Colbie Caillat (I AM a girl... Cute song. Met her before she became "famous" good times.)

14. Don't be a Baby, Baby- Michael Buble (not bubble. It's BOOO BLEEEEY! I love this guy. His voice is like belbet.. VELvet. haha.)

15. If I Ruled the World- Tony Bennett (Come on, who doesn't want to rule the world? This is my "old soul" coming through..)

16. Carry On My Wayward Son- Kansas (reminds me of driving with my parents, and totally a fun car-e-oke song)

17. Wrapped Up In You- Garth Brooks (another cute song.. I used to sing this in water polo in the pool all the time. Also used to be "a song" for me and a boyfriend... he used to sing it to me... badly *grin*)

18. Feels Like Today- Rascal Flatts (totally uplifting and so much fun. I love Rascal Flatts. Pop Country!)

19. Try A Little Tenderness- Michael Buble (She may be weary...)

20. Good Love Is On The Way- John Mayer (whew! I was worried for a minute he wasn't gonna make it on the list. Which is weird since I've got every song he's ever recorded on my iTunes.. I LOVE John Mayer. This is from where the light is live in los angeles. SUCH an amazing CD/ artist..)


I only "skipped" once because it was a Dane Cook track, and it's all about MUSIC not COMEDY. besides. I only have Dane Cook and Mitch Hedburg on my iTunes..

I'm actually surprised certain artists didn't come up.. Third Day, Frank Sinatra, Maroon 5, Brett Dennen, JEW, Adele, The Sounds.... oh well. maybe next time..

<3

**Godspell & Gimpy**

update on my foot. It's doing better, but I still have stitches so next week I'll get them out... taking a shower with one foot outside the shower SUCKS! haha.

I'm about to go audition for Godspell at our church.. should be interesting. Of course I'm freaking out but what are you gonna do... I hate auditions. SERIOUSLY hate them.

anywho. here's a few new pics of the gory mess that is my foot.. jk.. they're not that bad.




OUTTIE! Like a belly button <3

Foot Surgery

I had my foot surgery on Friday. I hate what it's called.. you know how everyone had those words they hate? Bunion is one of mine. It sounds so gross.. but it's really just your toe growing wrong and the bones sticking out the side.. anyway. I had the surgery done on Friday and it hurts.. I've been sitting in this chair in our living room or in my bed for the past 24 hours with my foot up in the air. I'm getting nervous to actually try to stand on it.. I'm afraid I've forgotten how to use it. I have crutches, but they're for someone four inches taller than me so they're a little hard to use.. My shoulders are starting to hurt. The worst part is when they put me out they intubate me (put a giant tube down my throat to help me breath) and my throat STILL hurts. Anyway. I'm gonna finish watching the rest of the TIVO I haven't watched yet.. haha.

Here's a few pictures... you can't see anything gross. but you better believe as soon as I can unwrap it and take pictures I'm going to!

haha







yep :) that's me on Vicodin! Oh, and PS, all three of these were taken by my four year old daughter.... haha

<3

iPod touch

So Im playing with my new toy.. I love it. I've wanted an iphone forever but since I have verizon I couldn't get it! But now I've got this which is pretty much the same thing! Typing with it isn't the easiest but it does correct mistakes which is cool! Ok I'm off to play some more!!

Editing.. found this little nugget...

"Another almost year later, 8 months or so, and here I lay just as confused as the first time I wrote in any of the five (million) journals I have. I can't help but laugh at myself and smile at how real I can be in the face of stress or anger. I also laugh at my penmanship and how I'm probably the only one who can read most of it. I've thought about how sometimes I wish I'd written more in these journals over the years but I realize that these journals represent me for the last eight years from the naive 15 year old I was to the naive, yet weathered (almost) 24 year old that I am. Looking back gives me so much perspective and so much insight into myself that it helps me grow, see mistakes and remember good times with a smile. I recently said (on my blog) that at times it is so hard to be me, but it's times I take the time to really reflect that I finally see just how far I've come and just how far I have left to go"

So I guess this started as a draft that I never finished.. sometimes I can be so profound... LAFF!

I feel like I've grown even in the last few months. "job" (as it will now forever be refereed to for reasons that I'll tell you later.. if you REALLY want to know) is going well.. I'm really having a good time and we've got an amazing group of girls who seem to all get along pretty well.. for the most part.. well.. as well as a bunch of girls in a small space CAN get along :) haha. I'm enjoying my boyfriend time.. which was rocky for like three days but we've talked and grown and are moving on with our lives. I'm kind of getting things together in my financial life.. I've at least admitted I have a problem.. that's the first step right? Yeah.. that's still a tough one. I've also managed to keep myself pretty on top of things with my health which I've been slacking on and as of Friday 1/16/09 I've stopped eating meat... again... (we'll see how long it lasts this time :) I'm hoping for at least a year... I don't know why but it's just something I've been contemplating for a long time..) I still eat fish.. but I don't eat fish THAT often anyway. So far I've enjoyed Tofu dishes I've made and lots of peanut butter... haha.

So in "short" I guess I'm doing okay. I'm suddenly reminded of one of my most favorite lyrics... "Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be so hard"

Thank you Coldplay.

<3

Sick

Being sick SUCKS.. I've been sick since Friday. It started with a sinus infection, moved to my throat, moved to my chest and last night.. my stomach.

I hate this. I can't function and I don't want to DO anything. I don't feel right and I don't know how to FEEL right.

Off to make some noodles for lunch.

I'm trying this vegetarian thing again. So far. So good.

<3

Cabin Fever

So I'm going a little nuts. Since I got home from work yesterday I haven't left my house... well. I've ventured as far as the back cement, but I haven't ventured further than that. I'm going crazy here. I need to get out and do something. Problem? I have no money, no gas and no babysitter.

Any ideas?

I'm seriously going to scream if I don't get out of here. The most exciting thing I've done all day is getting into my bathing suit (like I did when I was 7) and giving Sadie a bath... oh. and I made my dad a spreadsheet.

AUGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Save me?

<3

MILK

So I went and saw Milk last night with a free movie ticket my grandparents gave me for Christmas... I went with Jessica and Andrew and we went to Brea to see it... La Habra seems to play all their movies at 8 or 1030 so we opted for the 940 showing at Brea 12.

I wasn't too sure what the movie was about at first.. I'd only seen one preview for it a long time ago (I don't see "adult" movie previews too often considering most of the movies I see are animated) but I knew I wanted to see it and that it was about a guy named Harvey Milk who ran for office in San Fran as an openly gay man..

synopsis according to IMDB.com-
Using flashbacks from a statement recorded late in life and archival footage for atmosphere, this film traces Harvey Milk's career from his 40th birthday to his death. He leaves the closet and New York, opens a camera shop that becomes the salon for San Francisco's growing gay community, and organizes gays' purchasing power to build political alliances. He runs for office with lover Scott Smith as his campaign manager. Victory finally comes on the same day Dan White wins in the city's conservative district. The rest of the film sketches Milk's relationship with White and the 1978 fight against a statewide initiative to bar gays and their supporters from public school jobs.

The movie started and I was immediately transfixed.. It started with news footage from the 70's and was filmed with an indie- low budge kind of feel and I dig that. It made me laugh. It made me tear up and even made me shed a few tears.. But most of all it made me think. Any movie that can make me think and feel and want to discuss like that after I see it is a winner in my book.

I think the hardest part about watching that movie was the immediate sick feeling I got when I thought of the whole Prop 8 debates from this last election. SO much of it mirrored the Prop 6 debates that were going on in the late 70's. I was amazed at how much.. down to bumper stickers that said "yes on 6, protect our children" I couldn't get over how ignorant and bigoted Anita Bryant and John Briggs sounded.. I'll admit openly that I had no idea who Harvey Milk was or that any of this had happened before but I will tell you that I feel more educated and more empowered after seeing this movie.

I find it scary and sad that we still live in a world that would oppress people the way we do. It's a long struggle but one I feel we'll eventually overcome.

Okay. enough with the heavy subject.. I seriously recommend this movie. SERIOUSLY. :)
<3

Life

Life is hard. They always tell you that but nobody seems to be able to really explain how bad it can get.

Money is the root of all of my evil.

I know that money can't buy happiness but if I wasn't in so much debt to everyone and my mother it wouldn't be so hard to stay positive.

Last night was really hard for me. I almost went to a very dark place I haven't been in a really long time. More on that later.

gotta go take my "four year old" (her words not mine) to pre-school and get an x-ray.

<3

Hailey's Gingerbread House Tradition..

In case you missed it last year... when she was a year old she tried to eat her gingerbread house.... by biting it. Thus started a tradition that makes me giggle!



2005



2006



2007



2008

She's getting so big :)

<3

Sometimes you feel like a nut..

Well. I always feel like a nut but that's beside the point.

So it's been a busy month for me and it's just getting more busy... I had fun at my moms surprise party... Got to see a lot of people I didn't even realize I missed that much. She was REALLY surprised and really excited.

We also had our party for our church musical groups which was fun. Chatting with everyone and eating some DELICIOUS food. It's always hard to leave! Hailey had a blast too.

This last weekend I had my work Christmas party which was a total blast. I love dressing up and going out and hanging out with cool people from work is always nice. It was a really cool place and we had lots of good food and chocolate fountains. yes. amazing. They also had this nifty photo booth thing where we got to take as many pictures as we wanted.. and boy did I!



Just one of the MANY we took..

Other than that I'm just gearing up for Disneyland this weekend with Hailey and Andrew! Should be lots of fun and hopefully not too cold.. then I'm taking Hailey to meet her dad and she's going to spend Christmas with him. We'll do some juggling but it looks like a busy Christmas week for the fam. We're going to be doing our Christmas for her on the 27th, as well as with my grandparents.

Other than that I've just got something going on every single night until early January... oh. and a Doc app for my foot. I think I may have to have surgery. Scary stuff. Nothing too serious but it's surgery none-the-less.

Hope you're all having a good Holiday season and enjoying the cold weather.. I'm sure not! I hate being cold!

<3

Laughing Baby.

So Hailey has this little "hide and go seek" doll that you hide and then there is a little transmitter that you push the button and it tells you if your hot or cold.. kind of cool.. but the stupid thing laughs and laughs when you can't find her and it's REALLY annoying!

anywho. I've been feeling kind of icky lately with my stomach and a lovely sinus THING that wont go away. The doc said it was "acid reflux" but the pills I've been taking don't help.. I just feel puky every time I eat, but I get really hungry so I have to eat something.. it doesn't matter what it is... I still feel gross. So it's a conundrum...

I'm looking forward to the holidays but I'm also stressing out about how busy I am and how many people I have things to buy for. I know everyone is stressed at this time of year making things happen and you'd think I'd plan better but I'm a fly by the seat of my pants kind of person. So here I am worried about all the people I have to buy gifts for and I have to stop and think.. in the end I'm super blessed to have so many good friends and family that I can buy gifts for... I shouldn't feel so overwhelmed and I should just remember what it's all about. Jesus was born. How amazing is that?

Off to try and eat something. my mom got homemade tamales... YUM!

<3

Blog on the run...

It seems to me that the only way I can blog is "on the run" meaning in between doing things... so it never comes out quite the way I'd like and there are probably lots of typos and all that madness but I just have to put it down and "edit on the run" later... I want to figure out how to blog from my phone because that would make my life OH so much easier since 98% of the time I'm not on an actual computer so I can't update everyone.. damn. I just wasted half my five minutes of blogging time on how I don't have time to blog...

So lots of fun things are happening this month and next month.. I'm seriously booked pretty much solid through the end of December with parties and events and concerts and goodness... I can't really disclose everything for fear spies will read this and report back to the Peruvian government and ruin the surprise.. why Peru? I don't know.. probably the giant piece of Peruvian art on the wall behind me...

**EDITED**

Back to my room.. I was just checking on my DL for my SD card. I'm so excited for this because I finally have my music back! :)

<3