Megtastic Voyage

eye roll

2011-01-12T16:50:00.000-08:00

*eye roll* That really seems to sum up my day.. and week! I am teetering between really annoyed and okay with my life.. which is a weird place to be. One minute I'm just fine and the next I'm on the verge of tears.. but it comes down to this... I'm sick of hearing the same things over and over and nothing being different or changing or even feeling different. You know how you can feel it when something is different? It's not happening. There are no feelings left. I am drained and done. I am tired and lonley. I need a purpose. I need a direction. I need some clarity.. well.. more purpose, direction and clarity. I've gotten a lot of things done latley but a lot of things are just hanging in limbo and it's really irritating. I no longer feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants, but I still feel like there is more out there for me. I've got some amazing ideas and things I want to do, but I am at a loss when it comes to making it happen.

I made a list today of all the things (silly or necessary) that I need to/ would like to buy in the next few years. It includes everything from a windsheild (which I've needed for over 4 years) to a European Disney Cruise for me and Hailey (how much fun would THAT be?)I want my kid to experience life. I want her to be cultured... I want to take her to San Francisco. I want to take her camping and make traditions and do things with her that I did with my parents growing up. I want to camp at the beach like we used to and the frustrating part is that the ONLY thing holding us back is money. It all comes back to that.. Not to mention I don't know where I'll be in a few months.

Money is SO frustrating, but there has to be a line.. do you budget the heck out of yourself and leave yourself with no room for fun to save up for a big thing.. or do you take longer to get that big thing so you can do little things here and there to make life more enjoyable in the moment? I guess it comes down to what you really want... if you have a goal then you will be more likley not to do all the other frivolous things you would normally do.. but then I think.. is it worth it? Will I go crazy before the big thing happens?

It's a fine line between goals, obsessions and "all work and no play"

My first goal? To get Hailey and I to Peru. All of my extra money is going to that.. All of my time and efforts is going to that. It's what's on my mind.

First step? Passport.. well.. before that? Amended Birth Certificate, which is a pain in the ass. No joke. Never have to change your name or parents on your birth certificate. You drown in paperwork. It's been like 5 years though, so I figure we should just get it over with ;)

Oh. I gave myself another personal project. It's a writing project.. and that's all I'm saying. No you can't read it.. Well.. maybe once it's done.

*grin*

~Outtie <3

My hair...

2011-01-06T13:41:00.000-08:00

So in perusing old pictures and such I came to a hilarious realization.. I’ve had a LOT of different hair colors.... So I decided to feature them all in one spot.. here I go!

yeah.. there are a few more that I was trying to get from webshots, but you have to download this desktop app thing and I'm too lazy for that :) BUT there are pictures of the very first time I dyed my hair red... sweet.

The biggest reason for this? I'm gonna dye my hair again tonight :)

<3

2010 wrap up survey

2011-01-05T12:06:00.000-08:00

I posted this on December 22 on Live Journal.. but decided to post it here too... cause I'm cool like that...

So as this year comes to a close I'm happy to say I've been able to see a radical change in myself. It's been a hard road and I've had to face a few realities I never thought I'd have to deal with, but they've made me stronger and more passionate about those things that I love and cherish beyond anything else in my life. I've found my true friends, my true self and my family has been there for me through it all. I've learned more about parenting with Hailey's dad and working towards a life for her that's cohesive and harmonious. I'm taking life one day at a time and realizing that it's not as bad as I always thought. I'm starting to take the good for the good and learn from the bad. I'm ready to face my tomorrows and fight for what I believe in and what I want. I'm no longer going to sit by and let life happen, but get what I want out of it. I'm ready for the next year. 2010 was a hard year. There are so many things that happened... and happened HARD... but through it all I'm okay. I'm ready. That's the Beauty of Life.

1. What did you do in 2010 that you've never done before? Lived on my own. For reals on my own.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Yes.. but only because I resolved not to make one.. and I think I am going to make one this year.. but to myself so I don't feel too horrible if I fail.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes! Katie :) Little Ms. Reese is the most beautiful baby!

4. Did anyone close to you die? No.. but my grandma died last year on Christmas so it still feels like it just happened.. and Hailey's Aunt Bryttne passed away, and though I didn't really know her... it hit me really hard.

5. What countries did you visit? Just the good ol USA! 2011 holds Peru for me.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? Money? No. Well. yes, but I think that will work itself out.. I would like to have peace. Which I'm already working on. I'd like to be okay with myself and who I am.. as well as continuing my independence and fighting for what I want/ need in my life.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? I can't pick a specific date, but there are a few events... May 16th/17th well pretty much the month of May.. "haunt you for eternity" doesn't even begin to explain it.... not saying anymore... Just cause :) October... the cabin trip <3 and Hailey's birthday party... proof that just because parents aren't together doesn't mean you can't raise your kid with their best interests at heart and work together on things. I'd also say that the weekend of December 17-19th was a great weekend.. nothing too significant happened, but I was really happy for the first time in awhile.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Independence

9. What was your biggest failure? My love life.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Just a few colds/ stomach pains.. nothing too major.

11. What was the best thing you bought? My kitty Jasper :)

14. Where did most of your money go? Moving.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Cinderella!

16. What song will always remind you of 2010? It's a tie. "I Want You" Third Eye Blind and "This Aint Goodbye" Train oh.. and "Me & Mrs. Jones" Michael Buble and "I’ll Be Waiting" Lenny Kravitz. Frick. There's a ton more, but that's what I got.

Compared to this time last year, are you:

17. Thinner or fatter? about the same. I vary a lot.

18. Richer or poorer? Richer. I have a job!

19. What do you wish you'd done more of? Spoken my mind.

20. What do you wish you'd done less of? Cry.

21. How will you be spending Christmas? With my family and my Dane.

22. Did you fall in love in 2010? No. But I realized love.

24. What was your favorite TV program? Glee.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Yep. Well. Not HATE.. but have no room for them in my life anymore...

26. What was the best book you read? A Million Little Pieces. And Fan Fiction!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? James Morrison, Mumford and Sons and THAT playlist.

28. What did you want and get? Clarity. A job.

29. What did you want and not get? A Tattoo

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 1

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? We went to dinner at Olive Garden, Dane made Hailey and I dresses and I had some wine and good conversation :) I turned 26.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If I'd stopped to think before doing things.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010? I actually started caring more about what I wear and how I wear it. I'm no fashionista, but I'm trying more...

34. What kept you sane? My daughter, Brent, Katie and My Poodle.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Oh you fancy huh? sorry. had to. John Mayer. Always have. Always will :)

36. What political issue stirred you the most? Gay rights.

37. Who did you miss? Orange County.

38. Who was the best new person you met? Christopher :) <3

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010: I am a strong woman and I can do it.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "There's so much craziness, surrounding me, so much going on, it gets hard to breath, when all my faith is gone, you bring it back to me. You make it real for me..."

complicated

2011-01-04T16:54:00.000-08:00

Why do certain people have to make life more complicated? I think I make my own life more complicated by always choosing the path that looks the scariest, but I mean, do all the people around me have to make my already complicated life even MORE complicated? I'm not talking about one specific person, nor a specific event... but I am just saying in general my life seems to be complex enough.. and then you add a layer of complicated people and you get what my daily struggle is.

Complicated.

There IS one specific person I'm thinking of who happens to be the head of CPAM (Complicated People Against Meghan) right now.. but I am not really blaming them for everything. They do make my life harder by always being on my mind, never talking to me enough (for my own liking) and living really far away from me. They also have their own complicated life to deal with and as the little realist in my brain always points out, things will most likely never change because of this fact... but the optimist usually punches the realist in the face, tells her to STFU and happily daydreams away....

Complicated.

I also have no real "plan" for the future. I mean... sure I know where I'll be tomorrow (with any luck) and okay, so I mostly know where I'll be in two months from now.. but 6 months? A year? 5 years? I'm out. I've been struggling with this concept for awhile, and I'm just starting to realize that I've got to do something about it before I wake up and I'm 69 and I'm like... crap... I wish I'd....

Complicated.

It's a hard realization to come to, but at least I admit that my life is complicated. I get there are intricacies to my life that not very many people understand. The interworking of my brain make sense to very few people and the way that stacks up against the rest of my life is even more complex. Hell.. even my family tree is hard to explain.. I've got a huge family.. on both sides... and we're all pretty close.

Complicated.

Here's to hoping that tomorrow I can unravel a little bit more of my complicated life... or at least get some sleep!

Sheepish Grin

2010-11-23T10:30:00.001-08:00

*finger wave* hey guys... what's goin on? Yeah. yeah.. I did fail at NaPoBloMo... an epic fail. I made it through like three days.. I did blog on paper, but when I got home I was sleep deprived and exhausted! No.. no I'm not making excuses.. okay so maybe I am, but you forgive me right? No? Well fine. I guess I'll just have to start over. The whole point of NaPoBloMo is to write more right?

Oh fine.

I fail.

~outtie <3

Thursday

2010-11-04T08:59:00.001-07:00

Yes.. I realize the last two posts are posted today and not the day they were written... So I guess now I have to admit that I'm not at tech-savvy as I originally thought... I was trying to test out posting these at a later date but for some reason I'm a tard and couldn't figure it out... go figure.

So! Here's to a weekend away from all the crazy that is my life. Here's to a weekend of "blogging" on paper and filling you in on Sunday. I promise to write everyday... I just can't post because a) no Internet at the camp I'm going to :( (no cell service either... AUGH!) b) I'm a tard. My original intention was to write posts that would post on the days they were supposed to, but that totally didn't work out. As you can see. One of these days I'll figure it out, but for now? No time.

Time is a funny thing. It does weird things to you. I never seem to have enough of it these days and yet a few months ago all I HAD was time. Time to do stupid things.. like catch up on my T.V. addictions. Or write. Or read. Or sleep. Not that I really sleep anymore, but that was nice.... Now my life is full of running in circles trying to get everything done and maintain some sort of sanity. My room-mate wrote on the white board in our entry our shopping list of things we forgot to get at Wal Mart, at 11:30 p.m. on Halloween night... I'm a freak, I know... it looked like this....
Brita Filters,
Dishwashing Soap,
Sanity.

I don't think they sell that at Wal Mart... but if they did I'd buy it all.

Meghan's Music Musings

Song- "Hide and Seek"
Artist- Imogen Heap
Album- Speak For Yourself

This is just a BEAUTIFUL song. She has a quality to her voice like none I've ever heard... and she is SO talented. I first heard her music at the end of the movie The Garden State ("Let Go") but I was intrigued... so I had to find more (as I always do...) I rememeber my brother showing me a youtube video of her singing a song called "Just For Now" and I was FLOORED. This particular song hold a kind of funny memory... I was riding with my good friend George somewhere (I think my brother, his wife and I were on our way to a Swell Season concert... and yes I listed that in the right order... his wife was my date and my brother was his.. haha) and this song came on, so we were all singing along and it came to the part where she jumps and octive and he hit it RIGHT ON. We all kind of looked at each other and just started cracking up... one of the reasons I love George so much is because we get to sing together :)

The video I was talking about ("Just For Now")

I now am forced to disconnect... but don't worry. I'll be writing this weekend either in my paper journal, or my laptop and have more for you to read on Monday :)

~Outtie <3

Wednesday

2010-11-04T08:51:00.000-07:00

If you can believe it... today is even crazier than yesterday. I literally have like 5 seconds to post. The phone has been ringing off the hook at work (which is weird since I normally get like 25 phone calls in an 8 hour period...) and I am swamped with all those lovely last minute things I never think of before I go/ do anything. Sometimes I wish I were more organized. I tend to fly by the seat of my pants (if you will) and I hate that I always feel like I'm going to forget something big... and I usually do.

I'm pretty sure I've got everything I need for VDC tomorrow, but who knows. I could have forgotten something important.. but I will tell you nothing beats the time I forgot my bra.... THAT was an interesting weekend.

Anywho. On to music!

Meghan's Music Musing

Song- "She's Mine"
Artist- Bret Dennen
Album- So Much More

This is a fun song. I remember hearing it for the first time and just TOTALLY falling in love with Bret Dennen. This is actually the first song I'd ever heard of his. He has this folk quality to his voice that sets him apart from a lot of other singers, but a pop quality that makes him fun to listen to. Not to mention he's got a little bit of a hippie side to him. Love me some hippies. This song in particular is one that a friend (love interest at the time...) introduced me to.. we had been talking about music (weird with me right?!) and we were exchanging "have you heard of" stories and he told me to listen to this song and I was hooked! I immediately downloaded everything I could find! My favorite part is the love-song quality of the song, without being a ballad. It's just fun and adorable :) She's mine. She's mine. She's mine. All mine.

~Outtie <3

Tuesday

2010-11-04T08:22:00.000-07:00

Today's been a little bit hectic. I'm preparing to go on a weekend called Via De Cristo, or VDC like all of us call it :) It's a Christian Renewal weekend to strengthen your faith and exhaust you... which sounds weird, but it's super true. I feel like every time I work VDC I come home SUPER exhausted... but in a good way! I like to think I leave it all up on the mountain. I'm excited to spend some time with some of my favorite people in the world, but I'm also excited to get some time to myself to reflect. I've had a lot going on the last few months and I feel like I need to relax and reflect and take stock of my life. This weekend is the perfect time to do it.

Anyway. Sorry this has to be short, I'm running around like a crazy person....

Meghan's Music Musings

Song- "Summertime"
Artist- Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong
Album- I'm not sure what album this is from.. there are so many!

This is one of those songs that I love to put on not in the summer... which you would think would be the case... but in the winter when it's freezing (I get cold SUPER easy) because it makes me relax and think about sitting on a warm beach somewhere with a nice glass of iced tea and a smile. I remember shortly after I re-painted my bedroom at my parents house to look like a coffee shop (deep red, gold and creme stripes... it was AWESOME!) I threw on my iPod and this song came on.. it's just one of those relaxing ballads you have to love. This particular version has a little Louis Armstrong thrown in.. which always makes me want to watch Hello Dolly... haha. Anyway. Suummmertiiiiimeeee, and the livin is eeeeaaaaasssssyyyyy...

If only.

~Outtie <3

Monday, Monday...

2010-11-01T14:37:00.000-07:00

I'm a giant child. A big happy-go-lucky giggle at silly things kid. I love to play games, color, watch cartoons and play tag. I think a lot of that is why I get along with teens/ kids so well. NaBloPoMo's website suggested we write about a toy we still have in our possession from our childhood. I don't think I'm going to use the prompts every day, but seeing as how I'm a giant child and a ~~borderline~~ recovering pack rat I figured I MUST have something from my childhood still.

The problem is, I can't really think of anything. I think I actually finally got rid of things from my childhood. I have some stuff from my High School/ Junior High years, but not much.. I mostly have memories.. like my blankie. I used to sleep with my blankie every single night, and took it with me to a St. Patrick's Day party at the "Pine St. Brothel" in Orange, like you do. Well that night I got super drunk (likeyoudo.. I mean..) and lost it. I was VERY sad (and still am) about that. I'm pretty sure the only "toy" I still have from my childhood are books. I LOVE to read and always have, and my parents have saved all of my books, which I've recently passed on to my daughter. She loves reading too :) and we like to read together, so it's really fun to go back through all of the books I used to love and read them to her and hear her talk about the stories.. I couldn't be happier about that!

In other news.. I'm feeling out of sorts lately and I'm not sure if it's because of this stomach thing (I have gastritis brought on by stress and a slew of other issues), the stress, the weather or just an itch for something more in my life. All I know is it's really, really irritating. I feel like I spend all my time running to catch up.. catch up on bills, plans, cleaning, sleeping... just running all the time. Just once I'd like to be on top of things and prepared. Sometimes life can be more fun when you have no idea what's going on, and being spontaneous and random makes for some great memories, but it also creates a lot of stress. Lately I've been dealing with some pretty heavy things, and I'm ready to just relax, but that doesn't seem to be possible with the holiday season right around the corner. Part of all of this is that it's my own fault most of the time. I am the kind of person who is never ready to settle, and I tend to forget things after you tell me. I have all sorts of items and goodies to help me get organized and then don't use them as often as I should. It's my curse, I always want more and want to go, go, go! So it leaves little time for me to sit back and enjoy where I am when I'm always looking to the future and what's next.

Here's the fun part. The "what's next" part scares the crap out of me.

Meghan's Music Musings

I love music and it's a huge part of who I am and who I was. Songs are usually associated with people/ events/ memories for me so I've decided as a little extra fun for NaBloPoMo I'm going to add a section each day for me to blab about my favorite thing. Music. I'm going to put my iPod on random (in a playlist that excludes comedians, Christmas music, musicals and odd things I have on there...) and select a song to share/ discuss everyday. So here it goes.

Song- My Stupid Mouth
Artist- John Mayer
Album- On His Own Live in L.A

I love John Mayer, so it's appropriate that he was first :) When I was in college my best friend Jessica took me to my first JM concert. I was WAY more excited to hear the opening band, Maroon 5, whom I LOVED *still do* but I was game to give mister JM a chance. I'd heard a few of his songs (Your Body Is a Wonderland) and was tooootally confused as to how he was going to put on an entertaining concert when he was more close your eyes and sway to the music (to me at the time) Well he came out and changed my mind. I was floored. He was adorable, had a way with words and a VERY talented guitarist. I was instantly hooked and went home and got all of the albums he had out at the time! On to the song. My Stupid Mouth is one of those songs I totally identify with. I call it my "foot in mouth" syndrome, but I tend to say dumb things that get me in trouble. It's got a catchy tune and is just a fun song to sing a long to. Not to mention I used to called myself Captain Backfire (do I smell a Halloween costume?!) all the time. The coolest thing about this version of the song is that I was AT the concert where this was recorded :) It was a benefit concert and he was performing with nothing more than his guitar and a mic. No band, no gimmicks all John. My amazing friend Traci got us (the Fab 4, Jessica, Cynthia, me and Trax) tickets and we had a BLAST. I made T-shirts, we took a million pictures, sang at the top of our lungs and made some amazing memories.. This was during his "yes I still know that song" set, when he played some older "classic" John. It was fun because I was remembering all of the songs I loved and this was one of the first ones I'd heard after I fell in love with him. Good start to a great month of music reminiscing.

~Outtie <3

NaBloPoMo

2010-11-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

So after reading all my blogs again and laughing my butt off at the silliness that was me from 2003-well, now, I've decided to hop on the NaBloPoMo train and just do it. It's kind of nice to have a kick in the butt to start writing again.

A ton has happened in my life since I last REALLY posted, and there's no real way to re-cap it. It's been a roller coaster and I'm mid ride right now so just stay with me for a moment... More posts to come. I'm gonna get post happy today...

X Posted to L-J and FB

~outtie <3

moving

2010-06-16T19:06:00.001-07:00

There are times in my life when I’ve looked back over the decisions I’ve made, the people I’ve met and the places I’ve been and wondered… how the hell did I get here? This is one of those moments. I look back at my 25 years of life… see where I’ve been… and realize that 11 days ago.. I got married. If you had told 21 year old me that in 4 years I’d be married I would have laughed in your face. What? Me? Never! I would have turned, taken a sip of my SoCo on the rocks and checked with the KJ to see when my turn to sing was up. I was ready to party, ready to embrace every stereotypical 21 year old vice. Not sleeping, friends, paryting, bars, karaoke.. Thus was my life. I didn’t care about anyone but myself and I wasn’t ready to deal with the cards I’d been dealt. I took things for granted. I ran from my responsibilities and blamed them on my circumstances. I worked hard, played harder and had nothing to show for it. I neglected my daughter, family and close friends all for the sake of getting my last hurrahs in before life caught up with me. I don’t regret any part of my life because in the end it’s made me the strong woman I am today.. But I wish I’d taken time to appreciate what I had. I wish I’d saved more money, spent more time with my daughter, spent more time with my family.. But like I said, I don’t regret it. All because I have learned so much and wouldn’t be able to appreciate any of what I have if I hadn’t gone through what I went through. What I put my family through. What I put my daughter through. It’s hard to write that. I know she’s only 5, but I feel like there are things I missed out on that I will never get back. Memories that should have been made and weren’t because I was selfish and crazy. I’m not perfect and I don’t think I should be. I’ve still got a lot to learn and I was young when she was born. Despite everything I’ve grown up right along with her, and though I still have a long way to go, I’m so proud of the kid she’s becoming, which wouldn’t have been possible without my family there every step of the way. While I can never repay them for everything they’ve done, I want to thank them for what they’ve done for me.. And for her. Packing up her room, my room and the toy room has brought me to tears a few times. This is my home. Has been for 25 years. It’s her home.. And has been since the day she was born.. I know this next step is necessary in growing up and it will be good and exciting and hard and scary, but I can’t help but mourn a little for my childhood home. I’ve had so many memories here. Good times. Bad times. Breakups. First kisses. Deaths. Pets. Tears. Laughter. It’s all been in my little corner of La Habra. Though I know I can visit and that my memories will never fade, it’s a hard reality to face. In just over 2 days from now.

I wont live here anymore.

Fry-less Lent

2010-02-17T10:51:00.000-08:00

So the last 3 or 4 years for lent I've given up fried foods. I will tell you now that french fries and chips are two of my favorite foods in the world, so this is no easy feat. I am happy to report that all those years I've been able to almost do it, with a few slip ups eating things I didn't realize were fried... However this year I've decided to do something a little more involved... my good friend George sums it up best here. Using this as a step stone for a healthier and happier Me. So for this year I've decided to give up not just fried foods (fries, chips, Chinese food... ect.) but junky food as well... chocolate, candy, and other high fat low nutritional snacks. On top of that I am going to exercise daily. I hope to not only feel better, but lose some weight and get more energy!

Now for the hardest one.. I'm going to limit my soda intake to one.. yes ONE.. a day. To some of you that may not seem like much, but for me that's huge. I am going to replace it with water or tea. When I was about 16 I drank even more soda than I do now.. one year for lent I gave up junk food which included dark sodas... It was the hardest thing I'd ever done and I had a horrible caffeine withdrawal headache for 40 days... Which is why I'm going to allow myself one soda.. but trust me, limiting myself to one is going to be super hard.. I'm hoping to come out of this less dependent on soda...

So here it goes. 40 days and 40 nights of watching what I eat, exercising and drinking more water.

~Outtie <3

asking for help

2009-09-15T10:56:00.001-07:00

I'm going to ask for help. I'm going to the Calworks office and laying myself out there and hoping that I don't get screwed out of anything else. I feel better today.. but still not anywhere near my "normal" self. I think doing something like this will give me a little more hope, but as sad as it is I'm not expecting anything. Anything at all.

I really hope I have enough gas to get there. haha.

<3 outtie

Have You Ever...

2009-09-14T14:57:00.001-07:00

Have you ever needed to get something off your chest to make you feel better? Have you ever done something you know is going to hurt you in the end, but you can't help it? Have you ever woken up and not wanted to be you anymore? Have you ever sat and tried to not be anything?

I have.

I've also done what I can to be positive, tried to put my faith in the "systems" here to help people who are down on their luck.. and had no luck with either. I've been told no so many times the last few months that I don't know how to get back up and keep going. I have a goal. I have motivation. I have the tools and the personality and the work ethic and the support of my friends and family. But I don't have a job. I don't have money. I almost don't have hope.

I'm getting tired of the fight.. and I know "it takes time" and "it's not your time it's God's time" but it doesn't make this part of my life any easier. I'm at the bottom of the darkest time I could ever have dreamed of being in. I'm in the worst situation I could imagine being in. I've got nothing and almost no way out.

Here's the reality.
I'm in debt of more than 10,000 dollars to various collection agencies that have nothing to do with credit cards and everything to do with school loans.
I can't claim bankruptcy because those school loans wont go anywhere.
I can't get a new school loan to go to school because they wont give me more money until the previous loan is in good standing.
I have no credit cards at all. Or income. Or money.
I am about to loose my license because I can't pay off a ticket I got more than a year ago and they wont let me renew it until it's paid.
I have no job.
I have no job options.
I can't go to school to get a better job to get me out of this hole because they wont give me money and I can't pay out of pocket.
I have nobody interested in giving me a job.
I have no health insurance, neither does my daughter and I'm scared that somethings going to happen and I'll have no way to help either of us.
Unemployment denied me.
My last job is making it difficult for me to get a new job.
My family is broke.
My boyfriend is broke.

So... this sucks.

I'm not posting this to hear how much you all feel bad for me. I'm posting this because I really needed to see it laid out before me. I know it's not hopeless. I know something good has to happen to me eventually. I have good things in my life. My health. My family. My friends. A bed to sleep in. Food for my daughter and I. Our needs are being met and we're alive.. but I can't help but let this overwhelm me right now.. I hope you can all understand that.

<3 Outtie.

Peru.. the after

2009-09-12T18:43:00.000-07:00

So it's been a few weeks since Peru and I miss it like crazy. Since it's too much to really explain I'm going to answer to what I wrote in my "before" blog...
(Italics are what I said before)

What I don't know-
I'm not really sure how much Spanish I actually remember, if any...
I am SO proud of my Spanish skills. I wowed most of the Peruvians with my Spanish.. I remembered TONS and I was able to help Daniel translate (a little bit) and translate for others.. like my dad!
...not really sure how I'm going to deal with not being connected...
I actually didn't mind not having the internet or a cell phone. I mean, I missed it don't get me wrong (we kept stealing Daniels and being like... AUGH! just let me hold it!), but it was fun to not have to look for it all the time or wonder where it was (which I did for a few days.. I use it as a watch so that sucked. I never knew what time it was!) and when I got home I kept forgetting my phone everywhere because I wasn't used to having it anymore!
being away from my daughter is going to be hard..
It was. there is nothing that can prepare you or help you be away from your kid. I missed her but I got to talk about her a lot and all of the Peruvians can't wait to meet her!
It's also gonna be hard to be away from Andrew...
This was hard too. So many things would happen and the first thought I'd have is I can't wait to tell Andrew! Then I'd realize I might not get to talk to him until later or the next day. We talked on the phone almost every night, but still.. I wanted him there to share in the amazing experience that was Peru.

On top of all of that I just have to say how AMAZING the people in Peru are. It's a beautiful place.. and I don't just mean the landscape.. they are loving and helpful and beautiful people who will gladly give you the shirt off their back, share their only food and sing and dance with you until you can't move. We played volleyball everyday we were in P-chac, played with the kids, did VBS, colored, sang, danced, laughed (a LOT) cried (a little) and just loved every minute we were there. The food is amazing and there aren't any words to explain the rest of the trip. I had an amazing group of people and even more amazing friends I met there. I love my Virgi (swine flu) BFF, Daniel (Danielle the girl... in AMERICA we say..) Nany (the ___ Lover!) and the rest of the Quispe gang. I also had amazing TC's who were there to keep us all sane and watch the bathroom door for us when we had to brave the scary bathroom in P-Chac.

All I can say is.. if you EVER have the chance to go to Peru.. take it. It's beautiful.

oh.. and check out my pictures. There's tons of them but it took me forever to get the stupid things on Facebook.. haha

http://www.facebook.com/MegsHan

<3 Outtie

Peru- The Before

2009-07-28T10:07:00.000-07:00

So I've been preparing for the last few months/ weeks for Peru.. and it's finally here... we leave tonight at 9 for the airport... and fly out at 215am...

What I know- Our church has been going to Peru for the last 10 years on Mission trips to a city called Pachacamac (which will hereto be referred to as p-chac... haha.) We're going to be doing Vacation Bible School for the kids, as well as building some stuff.. not really sure what yet.. (I think fixing stuff in the kitchen?) We're also meeting some other missionaries that are hosting a group from Texas.

What I don't know- I'm not really sure how much Spanish I actually remember, if any but I'm hoping that my 6 years of Spanish in school will come in handy. I'm also not really sure how I'm going to deal with not being connected. I mean I know that I can do it because it's just a cell phone and internet, but it is going to be hard not knowing what's going on with everyone. I know that being away from my daughter is going to be hard.. I know she's with her dad right now so even if I WAS home she wouldn't be here.. but it's going to be hard being THAT far away from her. I mean if something happens I'm nearly 8 hours away rather than 2 (1 1/2 if I drive fast!) It's also gonna be hard to be away from Andrew. For the last (almost) 10 months we've been inseparable. This will be the longest we've gone without talking or seeing each other. Not to mention our 10 "monthiversary" will be while I'm gone.. (haha)

All in all I'm excited. It's a new experience and the things I'm "worried" about will all be worth the love I've been hearing about from the people of p-chac and the families we stay with in Lima. I've never been out of the country before (well.. I've been to Ensenda and Canada... but I hardly count THAT!) and this will be my first mission trip. I'm nervous about communicating and being surrounded by an unfamiliar language. I'm also really excited about that because I'm really looking forward to seeing how much Spanish I actually know and really disconnecting... :)

I'll have to debrief when I get back and let you know what happens. For now I'm signing off for my hiatus. I've got lots to do before 9pm.

~outtie <3

Bouillon de Culture

2009-07-20T18:13:00.000-07:00

These ten (10) questions originally came from a French series, "Bouillon de Culture" hosted by Bernard Pivot. They're better known as the questions that James Lipton asks every guest at the end of "Inside the Actor's Studio."

1. What is your favorite word?
Amazing

2. What is your least favorite word?
N****r

3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
creatively- The Arts (in the broad sense of the word)
Spiritually- Life experience.
Emotionally- My Kid.

4. What turns you off?
Fakes.

5. What is your favorite curse word?
F Bomb.

6. What sound or noise do you love?
Waves crashing

7. What sound or noise do you hate (dislike)?
screeching tires.

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Broadway.

9. What profession would you not like to do?
Butcher.

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? I've been waiting for you.

<3

shuffle

2009-07-16T19:59:00.001-07:00

Once you've been tagged... (1) Turn on your MP3 player. (2) Go to SHUFFLE songs mode. (3) Write down the first 15 songs that come up--song title and artist--NO editing/cheating, please. (4) Choose 25 (or so) people to be tagged. It is generally considered to be in good taste to tag the person who tagged you.

If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about your musical tastes, or at least a random sampling thereof.

(To do this, go to "NOTES" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, enter your 15 Shuffle Songs, Click 'Preview' below to tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click Publish, the little blue box at the bottom of your screen)....

1. Alabama- Tenessee River

2. Avenue Q- There is Life Outside Your Apartment

3. Timbaland ft. Justin Timberlake- Release

4. Jimmy Eat World- Cautioners

5. Bee Gees- Children of the World

6. Fiddler on the Roof- Do you Love Me?

7. Headwig and the Angry Inch- Freaks

8. Third Day- Nothing At All

9. John Mayer- Something's Missing

10. Ragtime- His Name was Coalhouse Walker

11. Frank Sinatra- The Girl From Impanema

12. Eagles- Tequila Sunrise

13. Once (soundtrack)- The Hill

14. Metallica- St. Anger

15. 3 Doors Down- The Better Life

Crossroads

2009-07-08T13:32:00.000-07:00

I'm home today for stupid reasons. My work decided that my opinion and anger was too much for them and they "suspended" me for the rest of yesterday (about an hour and a half) and today. I was angry and I was upset but I'm actually enjoying time at home relaxing and feeling MUCH better than I was (sickness wise) yesterday. I got to sleep in, gave the dog a ridiculous haircut (*giggle*) and I'm about to upload pictures and get some things together.. as angry as I still am I'm realizing I'm at a crossroads in my life and I need to decide what to do with it. I can't work at this job forever and I want to wake up in the morning and love what I do. I want to make some money, but more importantly I want to be able to spend time with my family and my daughter. I want to be able to see her grow into the beautiful girl/ woman I know she's going to be.. So I'm going to sit here and discover what it is that makes me happy.. Lisa and I had dinner last night and it was great! I got to really talk to her in a way I haven't been able to before. I knew she was amazing but I never realized how much until we were sitting on the couch and I was listening to her talk about her time in Africa and Peru. She was sharing stories with me and I realized just how much she's done and how amazing she is. She's so well traveled and wise beyond her years, and she told me it's because nobody ever thought she could do it. She's got a masters degree and has traveled to FOUR continents. She's worked with Children in Africa and Peru and is also an amazing musician, singer and (now) actress (*Grin*) She's got this fire about her and you can't help but be on fire when you're around her. She's lit this fire within me and I can't say that it's going to be easy or fast, but I'm going to take this crossroad and make something of myself.

~outtie <3

Single motherhood

2009-06-22T21:23:00.000-07:00

So I've been thinking and there are some good an bad things to being a single parent. Especially in my situation where the other parent is a part of their kids lives. Don't get me wrong my family is amazing and supports me like no one else could but the reality is that it comes down to me. I'm it.. And there are the ups and downs.. In fact I think I may list them...

Top 5 reason being a single parent sucks

5) always having to play the bad guy.
4) having one income.
3) feeling awful and guilty when you have to work overtime to make ends meet and miss out on things your kid does.. Or just time with your kid.
2) never having a moment alone because you are always on duty. Always.
1) missing your kid like crazy when they're with the other parent.

Top 5 reasons being a single parent is great
5) you get to be the center of their world
4) you learn to fully appreciate a hot shower... Alone... With time to shave BOTH legs
3) your toned arms from carrying all the groceries, your purse, and the diaper bag with the kid on your other hip... No one can juggle like a single mom... NOBODY!
2) you'll get the respect you deserve in the end for doing it alone
1) the love in your babies eyes when they run to you for everything... And just how close you become.

Take some time to pray for a single mom/dad you know. It's a tough gig.. But I wouldn't change any decisions I made.

To my little rose. I know I've made a lot of mistakes, and I continue to make them. I just pray that you see that I'm doing the best I can for you and I hope you see how hard I'm trying. Remember that mommy loves you and is growing up right along with you. I love you.

-outtie <3

TGI.... S??

2009-06-20T11:35:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad it's Saturday but it's bittersweet for me.. we're going to a grad party, we had breakfast this morning.. it was fun and yummy and it's going to be a good day... but tomorrow morning little Rose goes to her daddy's house for the week.. I know he misses her just as much as me so of course I want him to see her, but it's so hard for me because I miss her like crazy.. it's just not the same around here without her! Then she comes back for the weekend, then she goes back until the end of July... Which is going to LE SUCK!

But it's okay, she needs to spend time with her daddy and it's good for her.. It'll allow me to get her toy room "weeded out" without her crying about everything I'm getting rid of *grin* haha.

anyway. I bought a new camera today!! I saved for it and I bought it and it's pink and I LOVE it! Expect pictures :)

I'm hoping to get some more SD cards so I can fill a million of them on my trip this summer.. more on that panic attack later.

I'm off to see if I can get little rose to nap before the party tonight.

<3

(besides.. I love naps *grin*)

Grumblegrumblegrumble

2009-06-16T17:43:00.000-07:00

Today was hard. Went to work with a splitting headache and no cough medicine cause driving with codine isn't always the best idea.. I didn't get a full nights sleep because little rose had a bad dream about monsters... Climbed into my bed went back to sleep got woken up by my mom going to the bathroom and went into her room. When my mom didn't see her in my bed or her bed she went into panic mode which woke me up and put me in panic mode.. She was sitting on the edge of my moms bed with her legs pulled up to her chest just terrified of whatever monsters she saw in her head poor thing. So I couldn fall back to sleep forever and when I finally did.. My alarm went off! Needless to say my goal of gettin up at my first alarm was a failed goal.. But I'm hopeful for tomorrow! My eating less goal went well today.. I resisted a cupcake and only ate my lean cuisine for lunch! It was yummy... Asian potstickers and rice! Dinner I didn't do as good.. I had two hotdogs.. One without a bun (we ran out.. Pure lazy!) and cottage cheese and fruit cocktail... What I really need is to start eating breakfast! I think I might get a costco size box of oatmeal and make it at work! My activity level sucks today. The most I did was move from the dinning room table to my bed. I'm exhausted and the cough syrup is taking it's toll on me. I'm such a lightweight with cold medicines! Anyway. Work was okay but I went to do my last book buddy mentoring today! I was so cute. The kids gave us little certificates and told us how much they appreciated what we did for them and how they are better readers because of us! We made little picture frames and gave then pictures of us! We then played a reading game with them. They're so so cute and so appreciative! I'm pretty sure there are tons of errors and that this makes almost no sense but even as I'm typing this on my itouch I feel my eyes closing!!

<3

Sick Monday...

2009-06-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

Ugh. I woke up this morning with a sore throat and a stuffy sinus'. I hate being sick. HATE! I can't express how much I hate it.. it really sucks because I feel like I can't do anything. I'm going to try to get the rest of my "spring" cleaning done and get my computer working, but I'm not hopeful it will be anytime soon.

Lets see how it goes. I'll add to this later... :)

So it's almost 9 and I'm in bed blogging on my iTouch :) today was pretty okay.. I've decided to try to do something active every day and just work on myself this summer. No weight loss goal just try to be active and see what happens! I rollerbladed around my old high school with little rose after a very satisfying late nap :) I didn't gorge myself at lunch or dinner and I didn't come home and eat a bunch of junk so i'd call day one a success! Here's to a satisfyingly active summer!!!

Now I'm gonna get some much needed sleep! Cough syrup with codine and a tired body from coughing means an early bedtime... Plus I'm gonna try and get up when my FIRST alarm goes off tomorrow! Hahaha... Yeah right!!

"A person's a person, no matter how small" (words of wisdom from Horton Hears A Who".... Dr. Seuss)

Night. Sweet dreams.

<3

Lazy Sunday

2009-06-14T21:40:00.001-07:00

I left at 9am only to come back at 830pm.

List of activities.
~Church
~sang in the praise band
~ enjoyed some good conversation
~Council meeting
~bored, but we needed members to be there
~Free lunch! woot!
~Pre School raid
~Found some good books, blankets, games and most important my new cpu tower!
~Went to Stator Bros
~Went to Pastor Skip and Elena's house to watch Godspell
~ Came out SOOOO good. Good to see what we looked like and laughed with the cast.
~Went "house for rent" searching with Lisa
~Found some cute houses in Uptown Whitter and enjoyed the company.
~ Ate at Boston Market for dinner (thanks Lisa!!)
~Came home and set up the dinosaur to see how it would run... it's slow but with some TLC I think it'll be a good little CPU :)

And to think I was JUST whining about how I needed a cpu of my own!

I'm excited :)

<3

I can't help it baby this is who I am.

2009-06-13T16:07:00.000-07:00

So I've been slacking on Blogging a LOT lately and as always I feel like I should blog more to express myself and blah blah blah but I don't seem to have time.. not to mention a computer or an Internet connection during my downtime. I've been trying to con the wifi password out of our IT for a few days now, but he thinks I'm kidding when I pester him for the password to the Internet in the shop. I WILL find a way to hack Internet soon so I can blog on my lunch when I have nothing better to do.

Recap of May.
Dad's b-day
GODSPELL rehearsals.
Work
Fought and made up with Andrew.

Start of June.
GODSPELL performances. (went great. can't wait to see the DVD tomorrow!)
8 "monthiversary" (didn't do anything.. we had a performance!)
Work got "madeover"
Hailey "graduated" preschool

So yeah. B/C of Godspell my social life consisted of lines and singing with good friends. I got to know a lot of them very well and grew EVEN closer with old friends. It was a humbling and uplifting show. I am glad my boy and I got to share it together. The cast and crew were amazing. <3 you!

So yeah.. now that we're caught up lets see. Today I slept in till 9 (after going to bed at 10pm)wiped my iTouch, reinstalled iTunes, made a CD dl'ded some music. Did some laundry and am now re-syncing my iTouch. I've been frustrated the last few weeks since my iTouch hasn't been syncing with my iTunes and it's been freezing it.. this ever happen to you? I'm afraid once it syncs it's going to start freezing it again. Plus now I have to re-install all of my apps. Maybe next paycheck I'll actually buy some :)

OH! I heard from one of our customers that Verizon is trying to buy some rights to the iPhone.. if that's the case.. I'm SO in!

Anywho. Gotta go check the laundry and try to figure out the password for our wifi.. too bad my brothers asleep.. I'm pretty sure he knows it. It's probably Meghansucks... I'll try that one first.. haha.

<3

VDC

2009-05-19T22:12:00.000-07:00

VDC was amazing. We had an awesome music team of super talented musicians who worked so well togther. An amazing team of mostly drama free good time and awesome "pilgrims" who recieved and overflowed. I got to know some people a whole lot better and got to hang with some of my favorite people in the world. I was telling andrew on the way back down the mountain that I wish I could build a community where we all could live and work in the same area all the time! I hate that Bakersfield is so far away! Which brings up another thing I've been thinking about. I'm forever cursed to miss someone! It's either my friends and "family" in Bakersfield and surrounding areas or it's my friends and family here! If I moved to bako again Id be heartbroken to leave some of the amazing people in my life like lisa or George and jazz. I just can't imagine life without them but then I think about it and I miss my bakesfield friends like Brent and katie and Micah and haley soooo much! It was nice to see them the other day but of course it was way too short of a time with them! I have to say it's quite the catch 22.. Part of it is that my mom and dad and grandparents are here but haileys other family and her dad are there.. It's hard because I want her to have them in her life too. Ugh. It's so hard. Anyway. I finally made the decision and little rose will be starting kindergarten next year! Augh!!! I can't believe my little girl is going to start school! It honestly feels like just yesterday she learned how to walk and talk and smile and laugh and now she's lost her baby face and she's ready to start big girl school.. Augh!!! They really do grow up way too fast. Okay. I'm done before I cry!

~outtie (like a belly button)

iPod Shuffle

2009-04-27T19:19:00.001-07:00

So I know this was for the D-community, but I'm kind of a part of it.. in a supporting actress kind of way.. besides. I love these things...

stolen from George who took it from Cara and was also done by Karen
(from Geo's blog)
Cara posted a challenge to the Diabetes Online Community earlier this week... I wanted to join in. So below is the first 20 songs my iPod decided to shuffle in. I have also added my commentary since I can never seem to shut my mouth. (which is true for me too *grin*)

1. Respect- Train (Great CD. Reminds me of sitting on my best friends roof at 2 in the morning contemplating life.. in all my 16 year old glory and wisdom...)

2. One Step At A Time- Jordin Sparks
(one of those impulse downloads that I'm not really sure if I like, but it's nice every once in awhile.)

3. Unforgettable- Nat King Cole (one amazing song.. makes me want to dance in a gazebo with my prince charming.. was also sung by Jack and Karen in the Series finale of Will & Grace and makes me cry every time because it's not the characters, it's the actors singing to each other... *NERD*!!)

4. The Angel and the One- Weezer (from their newest album, it's very "early" Weezer sounding. Good stuff)

5. S.O.S.- Jonas Brothers- (I have a four year old who LOVES the Jonas Brothers and can work my iPod... I swear!!!)

6. Cupid's Chokehold- Gym Class Heroes (love the hook, but also have the supertramp version, which is the one I grew up with.. my dad...)

7. Brass Bed- Josh Gracin- (I've got a soft spot for pop country, but LOVE this song.. it's so sweet!)

8. By My Side- 3 Doors Down - (Used to be OBSESSED with this album.. oddly enough I now love the by my side from Godspell *grin*)

9. Stayin Alive- Bee Gee's - (Because it's an incredibly fun car-e-oke song. and I love the Bee Gee's...)

10. London Calling- The Clash (Because everyone needs a little UK punk rock in their lives.)

11. Remember When It Rained- Josh Grobin- (He has such a pure voice. It's really calming... oh. and my mom wants me to marry him... riiiiight mom)

12. I Have Friends in Holy Spaces- Panic At The Disco (Minus the ! but still good. I'll admit it. I love this album and their first one....)

13. Bubbly- Colbie Caillat (I AM a girl... Cute song. Met her before she became "famous" good times.)

14. Don't be a Baby, Baby- Michael Buble (not bubble. It's BOOO BLEEEEY! I love this guy. His voice is like belbet.. VELvet. haha.)

15. If I Ruled the World- Tony Bennett (Come on, who doesn't want to rule the world? This is my "old soul" coming through..)

16. Carry On My Wayward Son- Kansas (reminds me of driving with my parents, and totally a fun car-e-oke song)

17. Wrapped Up In You- Garth Brooks (another cute song.. I used to sing this in water polo in the pool all the time. Also used to be "a song" for me and a boyfriend... he used to sing it to me... badly *grin*)

18. Feels Like Today- Rascal Flatts (totally uplifting and so much fun. I love Rascal Flatts. Pop Country!)

19. Try A Little Tenderness- Michael Buble (She may be weary...)

20. Good Love Is On The Way- John Mayer (whew! I was worried for a minute he wasn't gonna make it on the list. Which is weird since I've got every song he's ever recorded on my iTunes.. I LOVE John Mayer. This is from where the light is live in los angeles. SUCH an amazing CD/ artist..)

I only "skipped" once because it was a Dane Cook track, and it's all about MUSIC not COMEDY. besides. I only have Dane Cook and Mitch Hedburg on my iTunes..

I'm actually surprised certain artists didn't come up.. Third Day, Frank Sinatra, Maroon 5, Brett Dennen, JEW, Adele, The Sounds.... oh well. maybe next time..

<3

Godspell & Gimpy

2009-02-22T13:16:00.000-08:00

update on my foot. It's doing better, but I still have stitches so next week I'll get them out... taking a shower with one foot outside the shower SUCKS! haha.

I'm about to go audition for Godspell at our church.. should be interesting. Of course I'm freaking out but what are you gonna do... I hate auditions. SERIOUSLY hate them.

anywho. here's a few new pics of the gory mess that is my foot.. jk.. they're not that bad.

OUTTIE! Like a belly button <3

Foot Surgery

2009-02-14T11:07:00.000-08:00

I had my foot surgery on Friday. I hate what it's called.. you know how everyone had those words they hate? Bunion is one of mine. It sounds so gross.. but it's really just your toe growing wrong and the bones sticking out the side.. anyway. I had the surgery done on Friday and it hurts.. I've been sitting in this chair in our living room or in my bed for the past 24 hours with my foot up in the air. I'm getting nervous to actually try to stand on it.. I'm afraid I've forgotten how to use it. I have crutches, but they're for someone four inches taller than me so they're a little hard to use.. My shoulders are starting to hurt. The worst part is when they put me out they intubate me (put a giant tube down my throat to help me breath) and my throat STILL hurts. Anyway. I'm gonna finish watching the rest of the TIVO I haven't watched yet.. haha.

Here's a few pictures... you can't see anything gross. but you better believe as soon as I can unwrap it and take pictures I'm going to!

haha

yep :) that's me on Vicodin! Oh, and PS, all three of these were taken by my four year old daughter.... haha

<3

iPod touch

2009-02-08T19:39:00.000-08:00

So Im playing with my new toy.. I love it. I've wanted an iphone forever but since I have verizon I couldn't get it! But now I've got this which is pretty much the same thing! Typing with it isn't the easiest but it does correct mistakes which is cool! Ok I'm off to play some more!!

Editing.. found this little nugget...

2009-01-29T21:56:00.000-08:00

"Another almost year later, 8 months or so, and here I lay just as confused as the first time I wrote in any of the five (million) journals I have. I can't help but laugh at myself and smile at how real I can be in the face of stress or anger. I also laugh at my penmanship and how I'm probably the only one who can read most of it. I've thought about how sometimes I wish I'd written more in these journals over the years but I realize that these journals represent me for the last eight years from the naive 15 year old I was to the naive, yet weathered (almost) 24 year old that I am. Looking back gives me so much perspective and so much insight into myself that it helps me grow, see mistakes and remember good times with a smile. I recently said (on my blog) that at times it is so hard to be me, but it's times I take the time to really reflect that I finally see just how far I've come and just how far I have left to go"

So I guess this started as a draft that I never finished.. sometimes I can be so profound... LAFF!

I feel like I've grown even in the last few months. "job" (as it will now forever be refereed to for reasons that I'll tell you later.. if you REALLY want to know) is going well.. I'm really having a good time and we've got an amazing group of girls who seem to all get along pretty well.. for the most part.. well.. as well as a bunch of girls in a small space CAN get along :) haha. I'm enjoying my boyfriend time.. which was rocky for like three days but we've talked and grown and are moving on with our lives. I'm kind of getting things together in my financial life.. I've at least admitted I have a problem.. that's the first step right? Yeah.. that's still a tough one. I've also managed to keep myself pretty on top of things with my health which I've been slacking on and as of Friday 1/16/09 I've stopped eating meat... again... (we'll see how long it lasts this time :) I'm hoping for at least a year... I don't know why but it's just something I've been contemplating for a long time..) I still eat fish.. but I don't eat fish THAT often anyway. So far I've enjoyed Tofu dishes I've made and lots of peanut butter... haha.

So in "short" I guess I'm doing okay. I'm suddenly reminded of one of my most favorite lyrics... "Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be so hard"

Thank you Coldplay.

<3

Sick

2009-01-27T12:24:00.000-08:00

Being sick SUCKS.. I've been sick since Friday. It started with a sinus infection, moved to my throat, moved to my chest and last night.. my stomach.

I hate this. I can't function and I don't want to DO anything. I don't feel right and I don't know how to FEEL right.

Off to make some noodles for lunch.

I'm trying this vegetarian thing again. So far. So good.

<3

Cabin Fever

2009-01-17T17:38:00.000-08:00

So I'm going a little nuts. Since I got home from work yesterday I haven't left my house... well. I've ventured as far as the back cement, but I haven't ventured further than that. I'm going crazy here. I need to get out and do something. Problem? I have no money, no gas and no babysitter.

Any ideas?

I'm seriously going to scream if I don't get out of here. The most exciting thing I've done all day is getting into my bathing suit (like I did when I was 7) and giving Sadie a bath... oh. and I made my dad a spreadsheet.

AUGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Save me?

<3

MILK

2009-01-10T14:34:00.000-08:00

So I went and saw Milk last night with a free movie ticket my grandparents gave me for Christmas... I went with Jessica and Andrew and we went to Brea to see it... La Habra seems to play all their movies at 8 or 1030 so we opted for the 940 showing at Brea 12.

I wasn't too sure what the movie was about at first.. I'd only seen one preview for it a long time ago (I don't see "adult" movie previews too often considering most of the movies I see are animated) but I knew I wanted to see it and that it was about a guy named Harvey Milk who ran for office in San Fran as an openly gay man..

synopsis according to IMDB.com-
Using flashbacks from a statement recorded late in life and archival footage for atmosphere, this film traces Harvey Milk's career from his 40th birthday to his death. He leaves the closet and New York, opens a camera shop that becomes the salon for San Francisco's growing gay community, and organizes gays' purchasing power to build political alliances. He runs for office with lover Scott Smith as his campaign manager. Victory finally comes on the same day Dan White wins in the city's conservative district. The rest of the film sketches Milk's relationship with White and the 1978 fight against a statewide initiative to bar gays and their supporters from public school jobs.

The movie started and I was immediately transfixed.. It started with news footage from the 70's and was filmed with an indie- low budge kind of feel and I dig that. It made me laugh. It made me tear up and even made me shed a few tears.. But most of all it made me think. Any movie that can make me think and feel and want to discuss like that after I see it is a winner in my book.

I think the hardest part about watching that movie was the immediate sick feeling I got when I thought of the whole Prop 8 debates from this last election. SO much of it mirrored the Prop 6 debates that were going on in the late 70's. I was amazed at how much.. down to bumper stickers that said "yes on 6, protect our children" I couldn't get over how ignorant and bigoted Anita Bryant and John Briggs sounded.. I'll admit openly that I had no idea who Harvey Milk was or that any of this had happened before but I will tell you that I feel more educated and more empowered after seeing this movie.

I find it scary and sad that we still live in a world that would oppress people the way we do. It's a long struggle but one I feel we'll eventually overcome.

Okay. enough with the heavy subject.. I seriously recommend this movie. SERIOUSLY. :)
<3

Life

2009-01-07T08:26:00.001-08:00

Life is hard. They always tell you that but nobody seems to be able to really explain how bad it can get.

Money is the root of all of my evil.

I know that money can't buy happiness but if I wasn't in so much debt to everyone and my mother it wouldn't be so hard to stay positive.

Last night was really hard for me. I almost went to a very dark place I haven't been in a really long time. More on that later.

gotta go take my "four year old" (her words not mine) to pre-school and get an x-ray.

<3

Hailey's Gingerbread House Tradition..

2009-01-03T09:43:00.001-08:00

In case you missed it last year... when she was a year old she tried to eat her gingerbread house.... by biting it. Thus started a tradition that makes me giggle!

2005

2006

2007

2008

She's getting so big :)

<3

Sometimes you feel like a nut..

2008-12-16T17:42:00.000-08:00

Well. I always feel like a nut but that's beside the point.

So it's been a busy month for me and it's just getting more busy... I had fun at my moms surprise party... Got to see a lot of people I didn't even realize I missed that much. She was REALLY surprised and really excited.

We also had our party for our church musical groups which was fun. Chatting with everyone and eating some DELICIOUS food. It's always hard to leave! Hailey had a blast too.

This last weekend I had my work Christmas party which was a total blast. I love dressing up and going out and hanging out with cool people from work is always nice. It was a really cool place and we had lots of good food and chocolate fountains. yes. amazing. They also had this nifty photo booth thing where we got to take as many pictures as we wanted.. and boy did I!

Just one of the MANY we took..

Other than that I'm just gearing up for Disneyland this weekend with Hailey and Andrew! Should be lots of fun and hopefully not too cold.. then I'm taking Hailey to meet her dad and she's going to spend Christmas with him. We'll do some juggling but it looks like a busy Christmas week for the fam. We're going to be doing our Christmas for her on the 27th, as well as with my grandparents.

Other than that I've just got something going on every single night until early January... oh. and a Doc app for my foot. I think I may have to have surgery. Scary stuff. Nothing too serious but it's surgery none-the-less.

Hope you're all having a good Holiday season and enjoying the cold weather.. I'm sure not! I hate being cold!

<3

Laughing Baby.

2008-11-25T17:44:00.000-08:00

So Hailey has this little "hide and go seek" doll that you hide and then there is a little transmitter that you push the button and it tells you if your hot or cold.. kind of cool.. but the stupid thing laughs and laughs when you can't find her and it's REALLY annoying!

anywho. I've been feeling kind of icky lately with my stomach and a lovely sinus THING that wont go away. The doc said it was "acid reflux" but the pills I've been taking don't help.. I just feel puky every time I eat, but I get really hungry so I have to eat something.. it doesn't matter what it is... I still feel gross. So it's a conundrum...

I'm looking forward to the holidays but I'm also stressing out about how busy I am and how many people I have things to buy for. I know everyone is stressed at this time of year making things happen and you'd think I'd plan better but I'm a fly by the seat of my pants kind of person. So here I am worried about all the people I have to buy gifts for and I have to stop and think.. in the end I'm super blessed to have so many good friends and family that I can buy gifts for... I shouldn't feel so overwhelmed and I should just remember what it's all about. Jesus was born. How amazing is that?

Off to try and eat something. my mom got homemade tamales... YUM!

<3

Blog on the run...

2008-11-20T16:36:00.000-08:00

It seems to me that the only way I can blog is "on the run" meaning in between doing things... so it never comes out quite the way I'd like and there are probably lots of typos and all that madness but I just have to put it down and "edit on the run" later... I want to figure out how to blog from my phone because that would make my life OH so much easier since 98% of the time I'm not on an actual computer so I can't update everyone.. damn. I just wasted half my five minutes of blogging time on how I don't have time to blog...

So lots of fun things are happening this month and next month.. I'm seriously booked pretty much solid through the end of December with parties and events and concerts and goodness... I can't really disclose everything for fear spies will read this and report back to the Peruvian government and ruin the surprise.. why Peru? I don't know.. probably the giant piece of Peruvian art on the wall behind me...

**EDITED**

Back to my room.. I was just checking on my DL for my SD card. I'm so excited for this because I finally have my music back! :)

<3

Yes We Can

2008-11-04T21:53:00.000-08:00

George "Hey Meghan, you know what's awesome?" "what??" "Barack Obama is our new president"

I'm so excited for change. This is a huge day in the lives of many. I am so proud to be an American. I want to run up and down the streets and yell and scream and cry and laugh.

Tomorrow looks like it's going to be a better day...

<3

Yes We Can.

Halloween

2008-10-31T18:16:00.001-07:00

I'll post pictures for you later but Hailey is "mitchie" from camp rock (to her she's just a rockstar) and I am dressed as an 80's rockstar. crimped hair and all.

gotta go watch the treaters and take the wee one out.

<3

Meme...

2008-10-31T18:09:00.000-07:00

1. Where is your cell phone? couch
2. Your significant other? Andrew
3. Your Hair? Multicolored
4. Your Skin? freckl-ie
5. Your mother? Funny
6. Your favorite thing? Music
7. Your dream last night? Short
8. Your favorite drink? Pepper
9. Your dream/goal? Family
10. The room you're in? Toys
11. Your ex? Friends
12. Your fear? Alone
13.Where do you want to be in 6 years? Successful
14.Where were you last night? Church
15.What you're not? Subtle
16.Muffins? Tops!
17.One of your wish list items? Laptop
18.Where you grew up? Here
19.The last thing you did? Candy
20.What are you wearing? Jammies
21.Your TV? ON
22.Your pets? Sadie
23. Your computer? Dead
24. Your life? Unpredictable
25. Your mood? Impatient.
26. Missing someone? Boy
27. Your car? Javier
28. Something you're not wearing? Ring
29. Favorite Store? Target
30. Your summer? uneventful.
31. Like someone? Lots
32. Your favorite color? Pink
33. When is the last time you laughed? Now
34. Last time you cried? Months
35. Who will respond to this? Lisa?
36. Who's Answers are you anxious to see? YOURS!

<3

cough cough

2008-10-15T18:00:00.000-07:00

I'm sick. again.

what else is new right? I'm about to take some really "good" cold medicine that will hopefully knock me on my butt and help me sleep and feel better tomorrow.

I'm hoping to blog soon about something that's weighing on my heart, however I don't know if I should put it out there..

Pray for me?

<3

I can't stop smilling

2008-10-12T21:34:00.000-07:00

I'm really happy right now.
I've finally gotten into a groove at work.
I've got a great family who drives me nuts in all the best ways.
I'm becoming stronger in my faith.
I've got this "mommy" thing "down" (for the most part)
I met an amazing guy who makes me smile.

yeah. you heard right. There's a new "dude" in my life. I introduced him to the fam-bam and they seem to all like him.. that's all I'm saying for now!

:)

<3

Four on the Fourth

2008-10-04T11:43:00.000-07:00

Today is Hailey's birthday. At 945pm she will have spent four years on this earth. I can't help but think of all the things that have changed in my life and hers since she was born. I can't help but wonder if her future is as bright as it can be. I can't help but wonder if the world is going to be the same when she's 18..

I can however tell you that I'm at peace today. I love my daughter with all my heart and I wish her the best.

Happy Birthday little Rose. Mommy loves you.

<3

Sickness

2008-10-02T05:56:00.000-07:00

Being sick sucks. Mostly because the medicine I'm on makes me so tired I can't function while I'm on it and because being sick makes me wish I was five again and could curl up on the couch and watch cartoons all day.

but today it's back to reality. I'm 24 (weird) and I have to be a grown up and go to work.

Boo.

In other news not having insurance sucks too. Medicine and doctor visits are REALLY expensive!

Off to work.

<3

Sports

2008-09-29T19:22:00.000-07:00

Now I like sports. Lets keep this in mind.

I played;
Softball for 12+ years.
Water Polo for 5.
Soccer for 4 (or more.. not so sure..)
Basketball for 2.
Swam for 2.
Dove for 1.

and was in dance and a Broadway- type group singing group.

So I'm no stranger to sports and I enjoy them... however...

I do not want to watch Baseball every night of my life. Or Football.. every once in a while I do enjoy watching a GOOD sporting event. If the Angels are on or the Packers and it's a good game. The world series, the superbowl. But COME ON! I don't want to watch some lame "Angels Live" show with a whole bunch of old angels and cheesy music.

My dad and brother are just remote nazi's these days. I swear it wasn't this bad before but for some reason recently they feel the need to flex their masculinity and dominate the TV with game after game after game... Come ON! Let me watch my cheesy reality shows and night time soaps. I just want to unwind at the end of a long long day at work where everyone is stressed out and crazy.

Oh. The best part of this whole thing is that my dad can be sitting in his little chair either falling asleep, listening to his book on CD or reading the bible and if I try to change the channel look up all surprised and angry and yell "HEY! I was watching that!!"

come on dad.

<3

Ps. So there was one hilarious thing on "angels live" One of the old timers was trying to do an "Angels chant" which went something like this.

Give me an A!
Give me an N!
Give me a G!
Give me an L!
give me and S!

what's that spell??

my brother looks at me and goes... Angles?

haha

BIRTHDAY!

2008-09-28T12:07:00.000-07:00

So today's the big day. It's weird having it on a Sunday only because it's kind of messing up the flow of things... I'm so tired right now because I was up until 515am... talking to an old friend and having a great time, but that doesn't help the fact that I only slept for three hours.. so I'm pretty sure my birthday is going to be spent napping or going to bed unceremoniously early. Oh well. at least I'm getting Olive Garden delivered instead of dragging myself (literally) out to the restaurant! Last night had it's ups and downs but generally ended on a good note.. I am so thankful for the friends I have and the life I have, but I still feel like a six year old who gets really upset when she's not the center of attention.. although it IS my birthday and I DEMAND that you pay attention to me on this day. haha. jk. sort of.

I will have a few pictures once we figure out what's wrong with my parents computer! I really hate that my computer is broken. That's honestly why I can't blog as much as I'd like because I have to use other peoples computers! I miss my beast!

I'm so thirsty. Damn alcohol for drying out your system! I'm going to put my head under a faucet and then take a nap.

<3

PS. I'm pretty sure I don't make any sense right now. Please hold for a more coherent post at a later date.

LATE!

2008-09-22T07:10:00.000-07:00

I work in Santa Ana which is about 20 miles from my house.
I start work at 7am.
Normal days I wake up at 530am.
I leave at 6-610.
I get to work at 645-655.
I woke up at 639am today.

OOPS :)

but at this point I don't want to rush off to work. That always makes for a bad day. Besides. I had to check all of my "e-vites" from yesterday on my various sites. And somehow the actual e-vite I made never got sent. Le-lame.. Well I guess this is a good place to say... HEY! If you want to come to my b-day celebration It's next Saturday night at 7pm at mi casa. If you don't know where that is e-mail me for directions megara.liz009@gmail.com and I'll send em to you.

I think I'm gonna need some coffee for this morning. Even though I got the extra sleep (oops!) I'm tired and caffeine deprived :)

hopefully it's a good monday!

<3

long weeks

2008-09-21T17:37:00.000-07:00

These last few weeks have been long ones. Work's been crazy. Being mommy has been crazy and finances have been limited and frustrating.

Pre-school is going really well for Hailey. She loves it SO much and is really blossoming and learning so much. We're attempting right now to go through her toys and weed out the ones she doesn't play with in preparation for her birthday and the mass amount of crap I'm sure she'll get. *grin*

I had a great Saturday and was "kidnapped" by two of my best friends who took me to the Getty Villa in Malibu, then made me dinner and surprised me with a few good friends I haven't seen in forever. It was overall a great day and just fun to hang out with good people I haven't seen in a long time.

I'm still trying to "plan" a birthday party for myself however I have a feeling I'm just going to be like. Hey. Come over on Saturday and hang. I'll have some Alcohol, bring some more and we'll just have a good time. I'm going to attempt to plan more, but eh. As long as I'm surrounded by good friends I'm good.

Anyway. On to trying to convince an almost four year old to part with toys she never plays with.. It's going to be a long night.

<3

Uggh

2008-09-07T23:23:00.000-07:00

yeah. With two g's. I hate being broke. I hate being tired and I REALLY hate when I'm tired, I know I have to go to work tomorrow and I STILL can't sleep.

BALLS.

<3

First Day

2008-09-03T16:17:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day for her... All of us have taken pictures in front of the bricks in our front yard for every school year since I started school. My mom made little "watch me grow" boards for our graduations and I guess we've decided to continue the tradition with Hailey..

Today was bittersweet. I am really excited that she's starting pre-k but it's also scary because I've got to decide a lot this next year.. I need to decide if she's ready for kindergarten next year or if I should keep her out for one more year until she's almost six. She'll be in the exact boat I was in when I started school.. I was always younger than my classmates and would turn the age most of them already were in the first few weeks of school. Her birthday is a week after mine so it will be my schooling all over again. My mom says sometimes she regrets not putting me in school later and is almost pushing me to keep her out.. the rebel in me wants to put her in just to spite her, but I know that's not what I'll do. She's not the only one that's told me an extra year is good for them, but I honestly don't know if I would be holding her back. She's such a smart kid and picks up on things so fast I KNOW she'd do great.. if I keep her back would I hold her back? I guess all I can do is see how she takes to pre-k, talk to her teacher at the end of the year and decide then.. but I am going to take all the steps to ensure that it's something I decide.

My Grandpa's doing well.. he's recovering at St Jude from his surgery yesterday, which was scary to me. I love my grandpa so so much and to see him so frail and needy is a little scary since he's always been so tough.. but I guess if I look at it in a different light I can say he's just as tough since he's been through so much in the last few years.. My Grandparents have been amazing in these last few years with Hailey. They love her so much and she loves them. They're so adorable with each other and I'm glad she's getting to know them. I can't even explain how much I appreciate what they do for us on a daily basis..

Gotta go take care of some stuff. She's going to spend the night at Grandma's tonight :)

<3

I HATE this...

2008-09-03T08:59:00.000-07:00

Patients was never a virtue I had.

I've already had a super shitty morning.

Hailey decided to eat half a container of sprinkles.

I can't get my cell phone until Friday now because Verizon and my bank are STUPID..

and I should be getting her ready for school but I have no desire to.

I hate being me sometimes.

<3

Home

2008-09-02T22:47:00.000-07:00

So I've never been the most organized person in the world, but I'd like to think I'm not a total slob. I mean, My room is organized chaos. If I need something I usually know the general area of it. I am always fighting myself on the clothes front, constantly getting rid of clothes or hanging on to sentimental things. I'm a borderline pack rat, but I like to keep mementos. Like movie theater tickets and old letters and cards..

A VERY recent conversation with a some good friends reminded me of how much I love my house. Not because of it's location. Not because I've lived here my entire life *minus the two years I lived in the dorms.. which so don't count as moving...* but because of my family and the way we live in a home. I had a friend who lived across the street from me growing up and her mom was a total and complete neat FREAK. Nothing could be out of place and she would find a CRUMB on the carpet and freak out and yell until someone fessed up to it.. she used to love coming over to my house because it was (and is) "lived in" We don't have a formal living room full of furniture that nobody sits on, we don't have a dinning room table that's in pristine condition, we've got couches that are loved, carpet with wear and dishes and laundry. I like to think that instead of spending all our time cleaning and worrying about how everything needs to be in it's place, we spend time laughing and talking and playing with my daughter or our dog.

I know some people might scoff and think that our house is "gross" or whatever. But to me it's home. It's not like we've got science experiment food sitting out. We just find it more important to spend the few hours on a Saturday making memories and having fun rather than polishing furniture we don't use.

*grin*

<3

defining moments

2008-08-28T15:05:00.000-07:00

A Meme. from George

So here are the instructions:

Tell the world what you believe are the 10 Defining Moments of your Generation - and then tell the world what you believe are YOUR personal 10 Defining Moments. Then tell the world why you chose the moments you did.

The 10 Defining Moments of My Generation (In No Particular Order)

1. MTV- It's hard to say, but I don't think my generation would be who we are without music videos.. and MTV & VH1 really started the music television revolution. Now there are tons of channels with TONS of different genre's of videos.

2. TGIF- I remember sitting down with my family on Friday nights and being SO excited to watch the latest episodes of Full House, Mr Belvedere and if I was lucky Step by Step or Family Matters.. and I remember going to school on Monday, and talking about the episodes with everyone who actually got to see it. No Tivo to record, you had to figure out the VCR timer if you wanted to tape it and if you missed it you missed it..

3. Columbine- I remember how scary that was for me. Hearing about all the kids that were shot, hearing all the news stories on what happened, watching all the interviews and hearing the intimate details of what happened. I younger and a whole lot of naive, but I remember that was my wake up call that bad things can still happen, even in our modern times. I also remember the chain of threats and panic that swept the schools, ours included. We had a prayer chain around our senior park, and everyone in our school was united.. we wouldn't be scared away from our education.

4. September 11th - Another of those events that really rocked my world. I remember the panic that ensued after. I remember going to school and talking with friends who's parents were keeping their kids home. I remember watching the news all day in every single class and sitting with the very few kids that were still at school and talking to my teachers about what happened and everyone being in general shock.

5. Gas Prices- It's sad to say it but this is a defining moment in our generation because never in a million years did economists dream that gas prices could reach the prices they are at now. I distinctly remember my high school Econ teacher (Mr Thompson) telling us gas prices would hit a ceiling of four dollars, but they would surely never rise about that.. We've reached almost 5 dollars a gallon.. which severely effects everything from vacation to day to day living. SO many Californian's can't afford to drive to work and can't rely on our public transportation, which in some of the most populated areas is REALLY lacking.

6. Computers- Not just the Internet, not just PDA's or hand-helds or laptops, but even just a desktop. I'm amazed at how they've affected the way things are done in this generation. So many things are "paperless" and "web-based" that the need for so many inventions of the past are obsolete. A lot of jobs were lost to computers and so many people make their careers in computers, which was unheard of in past generations.

7. Going Green- So many Americans are joining the fight against global warming, and I've really seen the number of people in my generation who are genuinely interested in helping and recycling and taking notice of the problem increase.. not only a select few who in past generations would have been type-cast as weird or activist. Everyone is playing their part.

8. Downloading/ iPods- More and more technology are making amazing products of the past obsolete or "vintage" and I have a feeling actual CD's and even DVD's are fast becoming part of the record or 8-track type technology, cool to remember, cool to collect but not really practical. I mean, I'm amazed at how much is available for download. Stuff that you could previously find only in stores, I could most likley pirate or download from iTunes or Apple.com

9. Vote or Die- To me one of the biggest defining moments. I mean, it not only showed how important our votes are and how much of our generation wasn't a part of the political process, it showed us how much of an influence and how important celebrities are to our generation.. which leads me to my 10th...

10. Heath Ledger's Death- I was amazed and in shock when he died. I know there have been other deaths in my lifetime of amazing people like George Carlin and LeRoi Moore, but for some reason the death of Heath Ledger really hit my generation, and will go down as a big moment for a lot of us.

And now Mine. (in no order whatsoever)

1. TEC (Teens Encounter Christ)- I was 16 years old and had never experienced anything like it. It opened my eyes to so much and although it's been a constant struggle ever since, it's been an experience like no other and introduced me to some of my best friends and a community of people unlike any I've ever met, along with VDC.

2. My dad's heart attacks- I realized that I had to grow up and stop living in my little bubble if I wanted to to be treated like an adult. I also saw how my family protected me, more often than not, from the bad things in our lives because they didn't think I could handle it. It opened my eyes and showed me what an amazing family, extended and blood, I actually have, it also made my immediate family a whole lot closer.

3. My 22 birthday in SF- It was the BIGGEST deal to me. It was the first birthday EVER that I hadn't been with my family. I didn't go to dinner with them on my birthday, and it was the first time I went on such a long trip with just one other friend. I spent the weekend exploring the city and really growing up. It was only two years ago, but it was such a big moment for me.

4. St Andrew's Lutheran Church- Going to this church really changed not only my life, but my families. We had struggled with leaving Emanuel, mostly for my benefit and when I went away to college and CCOL, my family spent a lot of time searching for a new church home, and boy did they find it. Some of our best friends and closest relationships are with that church family. We've grown as a family and been able to share so much with the congregation and them sharing so much with us, but my real personal defining moment was when I joined the rejoice band. My family had all found their friends in the church and I was a little lost when I moved home.. but as soon as I joined the rejoice band I met George who introduced me to so many amazing people including his family and amazing friends, who have all accepted me and shown me more love than I can imagine.

5. Getting Pregnant- Not the actual birth of my daughter, but the absolute personal struggle I went through when I found out, when I told a few people, when I decided what to do and when I finally told my friends and family. It was an incredibly humbling and scary and stressful situation. A really low point in my life.. which is sad because my daughter is such a blessing, but while I was pregnant I was ready to lose everything. I distinctly remember sitting on the bed in my dorm about to call my parents and tell them everything and being mentally ready for them to disown me. Scary to think what I would have lost.

6. The birth and life of Hailey Rose- An amazing transformation for me. I was no longer Meghan, but Mommy. I am still Meghan but now the mommy that comes with it just amazes me. She keeps me grounded, makes me want to be a better person and is bringing out at side of me I never knew I had. It's been a struggle, it's been hard, and I know it will continue to be hard, but every time I see her I can't help but smile.. even when she's peeling the paint off my walls (yes. she did that today)

7. The death of Cody (my dog)- Now I know it seems silly, but he was the absolute definition of my childhood. He was my dog for as long as I can remember. He protected me, he slept in my bed or next to it, he was always right there when I left and when I got back. He played with me, traveled with me and even broke out of our backyard and was found wandering the halls of our high school because he missed me! He died right before Hailey was born, and it really marked, for me, the ending of my childhood..

8. My first car- It wasn't my license that made me mobile, because when I got my license it was more of an "I should really do this before I graduate" rather than an "I need my license" I had friends who drove, older siblings and my parents (as a last resort of course) but I also lived in a pretty small town where I could walk or take the bus if I needed to, but when I went to college my freshman year and lived in a much larger city and realized I couldn't walk or roller blade anymore, it was time to get my act together and get a car. And boy did I. My "time-warp machine" a 96 Cherry red mustang. I still remember my parents surprising me with it at the dorms. They told me I was getting a red Kia, and my brother drives up in this mustang. I had no idea what to say and for weeks would walk out and wonder why I had keys to this red mustang.

9. Going to a University (CSUB), and living in the dorms- I can't believe how much I took for granted at first with how huge of a moment that freedom was for me. In hindsight I went a little crazy with the freedom, but for the most part It was just an absolutely amazing experience for me. It was the first time in my entire 17 years that I'd lived anywhere but my little house in La Habra and it was absolutely invigorating and terrifying. I still remember my first night in my dorm and how absolutely excited I was to be living somewhere on my own and not having to answer to anyone but myself. But with great freedom comes great responsibility and finding the balance between fun and class and bills got really hard for me, luckily I met Angel and Chris, who kept me on track and showed me how to live a successful dorm life, while still having tons of fun :)

10. Moving Home- After being out on my own for even those two years, I realized how much freedom and perks of having my own place I had taken for granted, the thought of moving back in with parents is never a pleasant one at almost 20, but I honestly could not have survived without their support. Or the support of my extended famiy, new and old friends. It was hard. REALLY hard for me to leave Bakersfield and the friends and family I have there, but I have found a balance and as much as I miss every single one of my friends there, I don't regret moving home one bit.

Geez. This was REALLY hard.. but like I said. I don't regret any of these defining moments or look back and wish things were different. Everything happens for a reason, from the biggest disasters of our generation to the death of a pet. It all defines who we are and it all affects us in different ways.

<3

theme

2008-08-24T19:06:00.000-07:00

So I've decided that my theme is going to be a "cocktail" attire type party (to give people a chance to dress up) and my colors are brown and blue. Chocolate and Aqua. Milky and Robins egg. Not sure the exact combo it all seriously depends on what I find but I need to head over to my favorite place (target!) and find SOMETHING so I can send out invites and get a feel for who's going to come. Now I need addresses..

Hailey picked her theme too.. it's Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and she's really excited about it.

She wanted to do a kitties theme, but they didn't have it online.. although it would have been easier with the colors, I guess I can swing a "Disney" themed party.

why do parties have to be so expensive?! And so tiresome to plan. I'm hoping I can plan mine in a quick amount of time and spend a lot of time on hers.. since it's her golden b-day and such a big deal :)

<3

birthdays

2008-08-24T16:40:00.000-07:00

So the end of September/ October are a little crazy for me since I've got MY birthday and Hailey's birthday a week later.

I am planning to do a dinner party with my friends for me and an all out golden birthday party for her! So I'm trying to get her to decide on what theme she wants so I can start thinking about what I'm going to do.. not to mention start buying stuff since I'm trying to spread my money spending out!

I bought her a backpack today.. Hannah Montana. It was the cheapest one at Ross, but it was also the biggest and the least expensive so I don't think either of us care what's on the outside!

I also need to start planing my dinner party and getting invites out. I want it to be kind of small and intimate.. but that never seems to happen with my friends...

<3

Work

2008-08-19T06:12:00.001-07:00

I have to say as much as I enjoy working the "normal" shifts I am SO not used to getting up this early.. I hate that I can't stay up anymore! I'm so lame.. I know eventually I'll get used to it and be able to get up early and go to bed at a somewhat "normal" hour instead of eight, but DAMN i'm tired!

It's Tuesday. Only four days till the weekend! And five days till my Rose comes home :)

<3

I can't stop laughing..

2008-08-16T13:00:00.001-07:00

so I was hangin out at The Simmon's Casa last night and of course it was good times.. watching the "shake yo Poak Chop" video and watching the hilarity that ensued. I almost spit Diet Peksi everywhere.. I love the Simmons clan. They're always good times.

but the thing that made me laugh the hardest was this...

So there's this song, "Love Me Dead" by Ludo

In the song there is this line "You're a parasitic, psycho, filthy creature
finger-bangin' my heart"

Last weekend I was riding with the Simmons 4 down to the beach, and on the way we were jammin out to various tunes on George's iPod. Well this song came on, and much to my surprise Georgie knew pretty much every word... I'm digging the song (it was the first time I'd heard it) and I wasn't paying much attention to the lyrics because Gill was talking to me. All of a sudden George and Jazz start CRACKING up.. They promise me that they'll "tell me later" what they were laughing at..

Cut to last night in the kitchen George goes "wait! I don't think we ever told you what we were laughing at in the car!" Jazz starts giggling and I'm like "no! Tell me!" so George is like "you know that Ludo song we were listening to?" "Yeah" "Well there's that line, finger banging my heart, and we were laughing because Georgie was in the backseat rockin out singing at the top of his lungs and we know that if he knew what it was and knew that it was "bad" he wouldn't have been singing it.. so we were joking that he must think it's like you know, a gun with his fingers.. like BANG BANG!!!"

I'm seriously still laughing. It's just so funny to think about!!

<3

Saturday at the Barton house...

2008-08-16T11:43:00.000-07:00

Saturdays are always interesting here :) We've got a kind of "routine" that happens when we don't have a birthday or event of some sort to go to.

~My parents still wake up early, but sleep in till about 630-7, which is an accomplishment. Let me tell you.
~They make breakfast, the whole nine yards, bacon eggs and toast, if Hailey's here there is always pancakes.
~If I can get away with it I'll sleep in till 10 or 11, if Hailey's home she wakes me up at 9.
~My dad is usually in the middle of some big home improvement project, today it's our bathroom.
~The FISH or JACKFM is aways blasting.
~My mom usually goes shopping, for groceries, which trust me takes a long time.. she does the coupon game. it's pretty amazing how much money she saves and it's always fun to see what she comes home with.
~My brother and I are doing various things. Either working, "playing" on the computer, or helping clean up the madness from the week :)
~the afternoon's are spent hanging out listening to music and napping
~the evening is usually dinner with the family, in the summer dad always BBQ's cause it's too hot to cook inside :)
~the late night is either movies at home or out with friends!

I love Saturdays. My mom's home with the groceries. Gotta go help her unload :)

<3

Olympic Bliss

2008-08-12T20:08:00.000-07:00

yes. I'm enjoying every minute of these 2008 games. I go to sleep watching swimming and diving, wake up watching soccer and eat lunch watching whitewater and water polo.. It makes me proud to be not only an American but part of the generation of people ready to see the world REALLY change for the better. Not just because of a competition between nations, not just because of a new president, not because of a fad that's good for the environment... but because we realize that without a legitimate change in our everyday lives our children and grandchildren wont be able to enjoy the simple pleasure of watching someone break a world record, or watch someone from a Nation that's never been heard of win a bronze medal. It's incredible to think of how far we've come. It's nauseating to think of how far we have to go. It's invigorating to imagine a brighter tomorrow.

I'm getting sentimental.

<3

Almost TMI... hahahaha

2008-07-24T19:11:00.001-07:00

I had to go in for a drug test today..

One of those "before you get the job" precautions a lot of companies take.. understandable... and I have nothing to worry about since I gave up my hardcore crack habit like three years ago... just kidding.

Anyway. Here's what I'm getting at.

I hate doing these "pee sample" things.. they're always awkward, but usually you get like a little cup and a lid and you leave it in one of those boxes with your name on the outside and you never see the person who has to carry around and test your cup of pee right?? Well.. not this place. I walk in the back and the guy hands me a cup that looks like one of those liquid measuring cups you use to bake with.. so I'm a little thrown off... then he doesn't give me a lid... even more thrown off... then he asks me. "do you feel like you need to use the restroom?" like I'm five or something. Awkward? yes. So I walk into the bathroom and "fill er up" best I can and walk back out... he asks me to place it on one of those blue medical blanket looking things and as I'm washing my hands proceeds to start testing!

Even more awkward, he made me sit in a little chair while he droppered my bright yellow pee on a little test strip and made notes on a chart...

Needless to say as soon as he was done I booked it out of there as fast as I could!

<3 Outtie

my babies growin up

2008-07-17T22:28:00.000-07:00

So it's midway through July.. August is right around the corner and then... September... which means Hailey is going to start formal schooling. I can't believe it. I know most kids start pre-school at three and I know it's only going to be a few days a week for a few hours but oh my... I can't believe she's going to school! It seems like just yesterday I was bringing her home from the hospital or feeding her her first solid food.. watching her take her first steps or making her laugh for the first time. Now she's lost her "baby" look, wants to be called a "big girl" and can "do it myself". When did that baby turn into a little girl? And what's going to happen in a few years when she starts school full time?? I think I'm going to be more of a mess than she is on her first day... actually. I can pretty much guarantee it.

<3

Psychology?

2008-07-02T14:47:00.000-07:00

anyone really good at it and want to help me next time I take my test? I freakin study and read and try to prepare but the damn tests are really hard and really hard to get used to. It's a completely online course and the tests are worth the bulk of the points... so no matter how many assignments I do I'm pretty much screwed because I've bombed both tests I've taken :(

WHY'D I sign up for summer school?!

<3

cocoa butter...

2008-06-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

so I must warn you.. if you're going to slather yourself in cocoa butter be prepared to have an inexplicable craving for some chai tea.. or at least some sugar cookies.

seriously. I smell like baked goods.

<3

angry three year old.

2008-06-26T14:13:00.000-07:00

My daughter is the cutest thing alive. She's got the best personality she's a sweet kid and she's always asking if everyone is okay... but when she's tired or mad about something she's hard headed and refuses to listen to anything you say.. well that just so happened to be today.. I asked her nicely to come into her toy room and clean it up. We're leaving very shortly to meet my mom who's driving her up to Bakersfield so she can go stay with her dad. She sat on the floor and started picking things up and moving them around.. so I asked her again. Then again. and again and again and again... well you get the idea. So I put her in time out for not listening.. she continued to just cry and not move. So I told her if she didn't start picking up her toys I was going to throw them all away.

So now there is a white trash bag full of toys on the table and a REALLY angry teary eyed three year old in the living room....

kids *sigh*

<3

a month.

2008-06-24T21:25:00.000-07:00

So a month has passed and oh so much has happened since I became all emo and whiny the last time. I can't say my life is "better" but it's "getting there" (to quote John Mayer, "I'm not together but I'm getting there") Work is chugging along, I'm making more and more friends.. I'm finding my niche in the ODV Disney world. Plus I met David who is my favorite Canadian little bro ever. I love him. seriously.

I'm finding my niche as a mom... trying to balance work and spending as much time with my daughter as possible. Of course there are the problems that I knew would come with my situation, but we're working on them.

I'm also finding that school isn't as hard as I thought, but it's going to be a long long long journey and I'm going to need tons of support (financially and emotionally) to get through it. It's so frustrating knowing what I want to do and what I can do aren't really matching up right now.

In other news. I really want a snow ice from Cefiore.. and I hate being hot. stupid weather.

*grin*

<3

Crying

2008-05-23T00:15:00.001-07:00

Sucks.
Have you ever been looking at something... watching something.. or just looking at someone and had the overwhelming urge to cry?

That just happened to me.

Then I got really angry at.. well I guess the situation.

I'm tired. Not just sleepy tired. I'm tired of running. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of being alone.

I'm ready now. Can you please hurry?

<3

drowning

2008-04-29T09:04:00.001-07:00

I'm drowning in the stress and ways of life.

my life.

I think I'm always doomed to suck. It's hard when you hit your prime at 17.

<3

This is amazing

2008-04-20T23:36:00.000-07:00

Sean our youth minister did a sermon based on this. it speaks volumes.

Ret Her into rore hawrt

2008-04-20T14:13:00.001-07:00

soooo cute.

<3

Torn

2008-04-18T09:35:00.001-07:00

So I'm really excited to start school this next Fall for REAL but I'm actually going to take a class this summer and I'm REALLY torn on what class to take, what times and if I should just work weekends at Disney.. the sad thing is I know I have to quit Disney because there is no way I can work and go through the program I'm going to be in.. it's super intense so for the next three years I'm pretty much screwed and not going to have any money.. but it'll be worth it in the end.. which is all I can keep telling myself.

I hate not knowing what's going on. I hate not knowing if I've gotten money or not or if I've gotten accepted for summer or not or if I'll even be able to GET a class this summer since I'm the lowly freshman on the totem pole again. Wow.. Freshmeat all over again. haha.

I feel really good about this though. Like, REALLY good. I'm excited to start a new life I just wish I could hurry up and hear back.

<3

Cypress College

2008-04-16T21:03:00.001-07:00

I'm finally doing it. I've decided to suck it up and go back to school because I'm tired of dead end jobs that don't pay me enough.. not to mention they're time consuming and I have to work while the rest of the world plays. I'm going to the campus tomorrow to check out the financial aid situation and how much transfers and all that goodness.

I'm terrified. pray for me?

<3

Me Gusta Bailar.

2008-04-15T13:52:00.001-07:00

Just had to share this from George's Youtube Tuesday. HILARIOUS. I couldn't stop laughing when I saw this. mostly because it took me back to spanish in high school...

<3

HOT

2008-04-13T13:58:00.001-07:00

Where the heck did summer come from out of NOWHERE?! I'm super excited because after 23 years of telling them my family finally gave in and is buying an airconditioner for my window.. I'm SO excited that I'll actually be able to sleep while it's hot!

Nothing worse than having to sleep with a lunchbox "blue cool" thing just to TRY to get your body temp down low enough to sleep. It was AWFUL last night.

anyway. I'm taking a hiatus from disney. I need some time to recoup.

<3

Tired.

2008-04-11T09:45:00.001-07:00

I'm tired of working so hard for nothing. I'm tired of balancing a third life outside of my own. I'm tired of never having what I want and barley having what I need. I'm just tired.

I want Cypress and the Government to freakin respond to me already so I can start planning my school path out. I also want to find another job that's not so exhausting before I start school because I don't think I can hang at disney while in school.

I also wish I could sleep better... for some reason I was super tired but kept waking up last night. BOO.

Oh well. I have to suck it up and go to work...

<3

Holiday in NOT so express

2008-04-05T15:43:00.000-07:00

So I'm totally in the lobby of the hotel we're staying at writing this just because we have time to kill because our room isn't ready. Which sucks since we have to be at a wedding in two hours... and there are four of us... and one room... and one bathroom. Screw this. And the lady cleaning it is taking forEVER! BOOOOOO.

But my luggage is still cute. haha.

<3

Bakersfield Wedding..

2008-04-05T10:08:00.001-07:00

I've got one today and one in a few weeks... something in the water up there is making people want to get married I guess.. haha. So we're getting ready to leave and I'm excited because I FINALLY get to use my super cute luggage.. it's black and pink with polka dots. . I also have a matching handbag to go with it. So our Van Creep was back last night... he wasn't being crazy when I got home but I called the cops anyway... too bad I fell asleep before I could witness the hilariousness.

Last night was fun! First we played Catchphrase and then went to Animal Crackers (awesome dive bar) to do some karaoke! I saw someone I haven't seen in a LONG time.. i'll just leave it at that.. but we had a good time!

Oh man. some lady hustled us at Disney yesterday. We were on the cart in front of Finding Nemo (dubbed the 7-11 of carts) and this lady walks up clutching her chest claiming she's having a "diabetic attack" and she needs a coke... she says her husband is on his way and he'll pay for it, but she needs the sugar now. I was VERY suspicious about her "diabetic attack" and I almost told her to sit down and I'd call security and the first aid so they could come out and help her, but we're taught to trust our guests and she took the soda and walked over to a group of people where she proceeded to hand it straight to her kids... I was watching them out of the corner of my eyes but then I had to help someone else and when I looked back she was gone...

I hate when people do crap like that. Especially with something like diabetes. I may not know tons about it, but I do know if it were a real "diabetic attack" she wouldn't be "out of breath" and clutching herself. Screw you lady. and you're "attack". We did call Security and let them know what was going on so she wouldn't try it at other carts... you know.. I need a churro for the sugar. Screw you lady! Hopefully they caught her.

So I better get back to getting all my stuff together. I'm seriously obsessed with the new Panic CD, but the crap thing is we're all riding to bako together so no chance of me listening to what I want to... BOO!

<3 Outtie like a belly button.

Headaches and ninja snatching.

2008-04-02T22:30:00.001-07:00

I have a headache and a half! I mean.. I even took something for it and it STILL wont go away.. I thought it was from my headband so I took that off and it helped a little but not completely. I blame it on the fact that I had to tote 50+ balloons around fantasyland for six hours today... in the wind. NOT FUN! You spend all day holding on for dear life and looking up at a tree of balloons... I hit a few hundred people in the face/ head/ back with them too... it was mostly and accident.. all but one of them just laughed about it... one gave me a dirty look like I did it on purpose! I can't control the wind hoebag!

I'm excited for Saturday and I worked it out with Disney so I have Saturday and Sunday off... too bad I have to work ass-early on Friday to make up for it... WHY did I request a morning shift? Oh yeah.. because mornings there are usually at 10... too bad I'm scheduled at 715... I'm not alive before 9!

anywho. I'm off to attempt to ninja snatch the remote out of my sleeping fathers hand... I'm going for the switchitwiththevcrremote approach... wish me luck! :)

<3

Disneyland and Wind

2008-04-01T12:53:00.001-07:00

are no fun! I went to the park yesterday with a BUNCH of really good friends, new friends and some people I didn't know who became friends.. we had a BLAST playing this game called "your team" too hard to explain.. but it's amazingly entertaining in long lines and when you're waiting for anything...

The best part about yesterday was that even though the lines for everything were super long we all had such a good time in line it didn't seem to bother anyone... I mean we laughed and talked and joked around with each other SO much that it just made it FUN to be in line!

The crappy part that still wasn't that bad was the wind... and cancellations! They canceled the HSM2 float at DCA for some unknown reason.. and we love bursting into the song and dance all over the park... then they canceled Fantasmic for some unknown reason which is sad because I still haven't seen it in FOREVER... and THEN we got amazing seats for the fireworks RIGHT in front of the castle... well they made the famous "due to high winds it MAY be canceled" speech and we all said screw it and booked it to Space Mountain to use our fastpass we got since Indie broke down (BOO)... when we get off space mountain we're all laughing and happy because I looked like an idiot in my picture (I made my "rollercoaster face" hopefully I'll have a picture up soon) and we hear the music for the fireworks start... we all run full speed from the exit of space mountain to the entrance of tomorrowland to TRY and get a seat for the fireworks... we had okay seats but not amazing cause we couldn't really see the castle.. which is awesome... they got to the Indiana Jones part and then due to those damn high winds they had to cancel the rest of the show! At least my friends got to see the Haunted Mansion part of the fireworks which is one of my favorite parts!

Today I'm on Mainstreet. I got to sleep in because tonight is going to be a LONG night. and all I have to say is there BETTER NOT BE HIGH WINDS!

I wanna see those fireworks...

<3

Sundays

2008-03-30T09:14:00.000-07:00

For me are for church, lunch and naps.

but no. I have to go to work.. and at 1030am. BOO.

I hate when my routine is thrown off.. and I was dreaming about Starbucks last night.

Now if my brother would get out of the bathroom I might actually be on time..

<3

Bills... College... Changes...

2008-03-29T09:01:00.000-07:00

Don't you wish you could get a "catch up" card? Like someone would just pay off your debt and give you a few months breathing room? I hate that no matter how hard I try not to be in the hole every week/ two weeks/ month I am. Somehow I get by but it's getting super ridiculous that I can't seem to catch up. I'm also applying for college now because I'm sick of not having a direction.. I think I'm mostly terrified that if I get into something I'm going to be "stuck" with it for the rest of my life, but looking at it even if I do start a career type job with college training I'm just opening up my opportunities to see what I really want and I can eventually make more money to pursue other things.

anyway. I've applied to Cypress College and am enrolling in the Radiology program to become an x-ray tech. It's a big step for me.. I've also applied for financial aid. so all the prayer and good vibes you can muster would be awesome.

<3

Tomorrowland Costume Part Duex

2008-03-27T21:25:00.000-07:00

So I've mentioned the loathing I feel toward these lovely costumes and I had to post the two pictures I happened to take on my phone the other day... they aren't great but you'll get the idea...

This is a close up of the "celestial" fabric covering the front part..

I call this one embracing the cheese... hence the hat and cheeseball grin.

now what you can't see is the sleeves which have that bright orange and blue fabric with a few of those buttons and some random grey/ silver... what you also can't tell is that those buttons go from left to right in a sort of "panel" and they aren't "buttons" but snaps... so you know.. you can rip them off if you ever want to become a tomorrowland stripper...

<3

ps. that's the back of Indie :)

Tomorrowland Costume

2008-03-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

So this is a quick little diddy to let you know the loathing I feel towards the new tomorrowland costumes. They're ridiculous. Orange and Blue with "celestial" panels.

okay so blogger is orange and blue. but blogger isn't something you WEAR..

and just take a guess at where I got put today?! Guess?! yeah.

<3

Snoop Dogg and Le Tiredness.

2008-03-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

So I was walking out to my lunch totally in my own little Meghan world when I see these people like taking pictures of something.. I look around and don't see any characters so I'm confused but still walking and all of a sudden I almost run into this big huge bodyguard type guy... so I apologize to him and look up and see Snoop walking across Mainstreet drinking a Dasani... maybe THAT'S why I sold so much water. product placement. anyway ... It was super random.. gotta love disney..

oh. and I heard from one of our leads that later he bought 35 waters off one of our carts... that'll be $96.25 please... how the hell do you carry 35 bottles of water?! Oh right. Money. haha.

So I'm super tired and sore today from working yesterday and I don't want to go to work this week at ALL. I'm considering changing my availability to only available after 230 or something... especially since Hailey will be in preschool and I want to be able to take her and pick her up... so I might as well get them used to that schedule. Plus working at 11 or 12 means I have to wake up, shower, get a costume together and leave. which is uber lame.

and I don't even have the costume I need for today. I'm totally wearing one of my random ones and changing. HAH! I'm not so happy with Disney right now. Mostly my hours just REALLY suck. I've gotta stick with it even though I really don't want to.. why can't I get paid to do something I actually like? You know. like sleeping or singing.. that'd be sweet.

<3

Friday Night.. and the moooood is right

2008-03-14T17:43:00.000-07:00

wow. I think back to the days I used to wait for Friday night because I was soooo excited to watch TGIF. Hah.. Now I'm getting ready to go out in a few hours...

anyway.

I guess this is a quick post to say that I don't feel like I'm really in my body. I hate boys and I wish they would stop playing games. KEVIN.

and Brad.

eh. someone'll appreciate me someday.

<3

Mainstreet Balloons...

2008-03-10T21:40:00.000-07:00

yes. that's where I was today... and let me tell you holding 45 or more balloons for 8 hours aint easy... I earned my money today! First of all it was windy... which if you can imagine with the hundreds of people walking around gets pretty messy because you have to try NOT to take out little kids with your gaggle of balloons (but it's pretty funny when you hit some unsuspecting person in the face with them... total accident.. I SWEAR! *grin*) Then there is the fact that during the day you can't really walk around mainstreet anyway since the horses are spooked by the balloons (although that'd be a carriage ride the guests would never forget... haha) and THEN there is the simple fact that you have these incredibly heavy (yes heavy) handful of balloons that you have to maneuver while tying weights on the bottom of one of them and taking money/ giving change... But never-the-less I loved it!

On another note I was in SUCH a bad mood yesterday... you know that whole chain of events thing where everything was just going wrong and eventually you wonder if you're on some sort of hidden camera show? yeah. that was my day yesterday.. But I got an amazingly hilarious message from Lisa that made my night.. oh! And some psychic wanted to give me a reading while I was walking back from my break.. she gave me her number and she's like.. I'm getting something VERY strong from you.. it was kind of creepy and one of those things where you're like.. Now I want to know what it is!! Oh and I seriously HATE churro sugar now... like hate. It's in every single pocket of my teal uniform and I have a silicone phone cover that I could wrap in a waxie and sell for three bucks.... heh.

I was seriously blogging in my head the other day while I was driving home from Bakersfield.. I want to sit down and write out the difference between Orange County/ La Habra and Bakersfield because of anyone.. I'd know! But I'm way too tired to do it tonight :) So that's all my ramblings for tonight... I'm off to bed...

<3

ps. I switched to Diet... and it's not all that bad :)

Let my lifesong sing

2008-03-07T13:24:00.001-08:00

I've had that song stuck in my head all night.. except I've had the VDC band version... "let my lifelong ling..." haha. Good times.

I had the best time hanging out with Jessica and Dane the other night.. we started off at Back Alley (lame) went to Envy (Uber lame) Went to Ziings (watched part of Harold and Kumar and laughed at the four people dancing.. lame) and then ended up at Tuscany where we met the most amazing guys from New Zealand. They were SO funny because they'd never been to the US before and were so culture shocked at how different it was here. We pretty much just talked to them the whole night and tried to let them in on a little of our culture while learning from them as well... aka "the American pound" and the "New Zealand snap". Now if you're slightly confused think about a room full of guys who are saying hello.. now imagine they don't know each other well but are expressing their good feelings towards them. They might do the "hand grab two pounds on the back" hug or they might do the "hand slide to a fist" right? Well I guess in New Zealand they have a different approach.. they slide their hands off each other and get a good snap and then they snap their fingers and point out... of course to american guys this may seem rather.. erm... girly so we had to set them straight. We spent the WHOLE night discussing the difference between Orange County/ LA and New Zealand. Down to the tattoo parlors and how expensive everything is there. They were fascinated that a Honda only costs about 24,000 brand new. There it was something like 40,000... haha.

Anyway. My new friends aside I just had a good time singing some karaoke... now this is my other story from the night. I'm not the most confident person on the planet when it comes to anything, however I know there are people who wouldn't get up to karaoke unless overly drunk, and I can get up there drinking only water which I know is a feat in itself.. however I can't help but laugh because it seems that EVERY TIME I do karaoke... and I do mean EVERY time... I get a drunk person who comes up to me after and slurs at me.. "you are a really good singer!! You should be on American Idol!!! Have you auditioned yet!? You totally should!" I just smile and tell them yes. I'm eventually going to audition and they go on their happy drunk way.

All of that was Wednesday night. yes Wednesdays can be fun too. :)

Yesterday wasn't nearly as interesting.. although errand thursday's can be fun. I went to the bank (haha) with Jessica to screw myself out of money *eye roll... long story* then took my car in to pay way too much money for an oil change, checked out buffalo exchange... which was entertaining and I bought my first pair of giant sunglasses... and then came home.

on a side note. Scrubs is awesome.

<3

The Right Stuff

2008-03-05T18:37:00.001-08:00

So I rekindled my odd love of 90's pop music, but more importantly my ridiculous love of New Kids On The Block! haha. and then I listened to Aqua Aquarium and Madonna's Immaculate collection! It's good times.. and it's ridiculous how many songs I actually know word for word.

I'm hoping to hang out with my bestie tonight. I haven't actually hung with her in a long time and I'm starting to really really miss her! Tomorrow I need to get going on my laundry (ugh) and find a way to balance my bedroom with the mass amounts of other stuff in our house that needs to get done. My mom wants to clean the carpets cause we bought our own carpet cleaner *eye roll*

I'm still struggling, but getting to a better place.

I think that's all there is to say..

<3

self titled album

2008-03-04T13:56:00.000-08:00

It's so hard to name your blog. Megtastic Voyage was the first thing that popped into my head so tada! I wish I could say that I'm in a good mood and happy and go lucky and all those other fun things that make me who I am, however I'm struggling right now. Struggling with the realization that I'm not who I was and I don't know if I'm okay with that. I recently went to work at a three day movement called Via De Cristo or VDC, which is a short intense study on Christianity and what it means to be a Christian. It's full of laughter, tears, joy, sorrow, self examination and good food. I adore the people involved and though there are the occasional religious nuts or just buckwild people it's always a fulfilling experience to spend time with God in a place you feel safe and able to just be who you are on the inside, outwardly. I have to say this time I tried to keep my own emotions on the DL since it's really about the people experiencing the weekend for the first time, but when I got home I was so drained and emotional that my thoughts and fears got the best of me and I broke down. I realized a few things people said in their talks really hit me hard and I wanted to change who I was on the outside to reflect who I'm struggling to be.

I know this doesn't make a lot of sense to anyone who happens to read this, but it's so hard to be me right now I sometimes just wish I was someone else. I want to talk to some friends of mine about what I'm struggling with but I don't know how to initiate that contact and get that started without our "reunions" which happen so infrequently lately that I feel like I'm slipping back into the quiet desperation of my life again. I'm just so mixed up that I can't vocalize how I feel. I'm being pulled in a million different directions and on one hand it's comfortable being me and being the happy go-crazy person I am, but on the other hand I want to be able to show my true self to those who I feel don't know the me on the inside and I can't help but wonder if it's always been a facade that I've put on because I've never had that moment of clarity I so long for and I see so many others have.

So here's to finding myself.

and yes. I did blog about it.

<3

Hah! New one AGAIN

2008-03-04T11:32:00.000-08:00

So basically I forgot my password and e-mail I used for my old blog, however found an even older blog from when I was a senior in hs and a freshman in college and decided to use that e-mail to make a new blog...

or something like that.

anyway. Megtastic Voyage was the best I could come up with.

I'm all full of things to write, so give me a second to unpack my things and I'll be back to let some of this out.

<3